InsaneBear

Feature: Top 10 most eligible bachelors/bachelorettes in gaming

Man, I really wish Wedding Crashers wasn’t on right now, because it’s making it very difficult to write this. But anyways, tomorrow is the annual celebration of over-priced chocolates, cards that a heartless corporation wrote for you, and misguided sexual adventures–pretty much everything that makes true love. But if you’re like me and Valentine’s Day is just another miserable day on the calendar, then you’ll probably just spend tomorrow with what you love most–video games. So in the spirit of being single on Valentine’s Day and having to relate it to video games because that’s our M.O. here at InsaneBear, I present to you a list of the top 10 most eligible bachelors and bachelorettes in the world of video games.

Admiral David Anderson (Mass Effect franchise) – Tall, dark, and handsome, David Anderson’s dashing good looks are rivaled only by his soothingly reassuring voice. A lifetime of distinguished service in the military has helped to build a confident and determined leader of men who has the common touch as well. Quite simply, he’s a good man with a big heart who will always do what he thinks is right. And if his massive pension weren’t enticing enough, he now wields considerable galactic power as the Human representative on the Council (at least he does in my game). He might not be the sexiest pick, but he sounds like a catch for all those inter-galactic ladies out there who are looking to settle down.

Samus Aran (Metroid franchise) – I know, I know, I wrote a feature before saying that I wouldn’t want to date her, but that’s only because half the world thinks she’s a guy. When it comes to love, what the rest of the world thinks shouldn’t matter. Samus is a strong woman with an insatiable drive for adventure. When’s she’s not doing whatever she does in her games, she’d likely be taking you to explore natural wonders or to experience the rush of white-water rafting (or something like that). Not to mention, that sense of exploration and adventure likely extends to other parts of her love-life…did I mention she’s a total fox?

Ezio Auditore da Firenze (Assassin’s Creed franchise) – A playboy if there ever was one, Ezio probably won’t be finishing last. But while he might not be in it for the long haul, this deliciously proportioned man is the type of lover who could live on in some lucky lady’s memories for a lifetime. He’s rich, suave, athletic, and extremely well connected. You want a romantic dinner for two with the best view in all of Italy? Ezio can get that for you. Just make sure your dad doesn’t scare him off or you’ll probably never see him again.

Lara Croft (Tomb Raider franchise) – Yeah, yeah, the girl known for her capital knockers. She couldn’t possibly have any personality of worth, right? Well, if you took the time to get to know her, you might find that that hot body is just icing on the cake. Ms. Croft actually loves the outdoors and would probably be happier with a good hike than an expensive dinner. She also has a real passion for history and that seems like a fairly unique thing for a woman in my experience. Plus, she knows how to handle a gun. Now that’s hot!

Sgt. Avery Johnson (Halo franchise) – He knows what the ladies like.

Commander Miranda Keyes (Halo franchise) – A warrior woman might not be what every guy’s looking for, but for those who aren’t intimidated by a female with power, Miranda’s bravery, loyalty, and daring might be just what turns you on. She’s not afraid to get hands on with a problem (hey, maybe if you break enough dishes she’ll just take over the duties completely!) and she always does the job right (unlike so many slackers these days who resort to the microwave). Sure, she might be a little brash and let her emotions take over sometimes, but that passion is what keeps your fire going. She’s a bit of a Daddy’s girl, though, so you’ll always have to worry about living up to his standard (and you thought the sick bastard would stop haunting you when he had a hole punched through his head and died in a fiery inferno!).

Mario (Super Mario Bros. franchise) – Let’s get this out of the way right now…not the best looking guy. But some girls like a big burly bear to grab onto, and you certainly can’t fault the poor sap’s heart. Time after time, he’ll come to your rescue, always eager to satisfy. Then there’s the fact that he’s a plumber and all, so anything around the house that needs fixing is pretty much covered. And his (possibly alarming) consumption of mushrooms lets you know that he’s willing to put work behind him on the weekends for the sake of a good time, as well as the fact that he’s always open to trying new things. Once he realizes that the girl he’s been after for so long is royalty, and by default restricted to a royal circle of suitors, his shattered heart should be easy to scoop up and made to be yours. Just make sure to lay down some ground rules on how often his creepy brother can come over.

Commander [Insert Female Name] Shepard (Mass Effect franchise) – FemShep is where the party’s at. Where ever she goes, a diverse crowd of interesting folks always follows, and plenty of them are pretty easy, so you guys will always have the best parties on the block. And given FemShep’s open and experimental sexual past, there’s no telling what kind of shenanigans could go down with you, her, and some of her more attractive friends. But beyond that aspect of your relationship, she’s also a convicted woman who gets what she wants. She’s a bit of an action-junkie and a deeply stimulating conversationalist too. She’s sympathetic to others’ problems and wants to make the world a better place, which can be more fun than it sounds with her crew of friends around. There is a slight issue of her being rebuilt as a cyborg, though…

Alyx Vance (Half-Life franchise) – If you’re looking for a virtual “real woman,” then Alyx is probably your best bet. She might not have the body to disorient your thoughts, but she has the cuteness to steal your heart. She’s a go-getter who’s smart, funny, and always friendly, but who would never allow herself to be talked down to. She loves animals (well, we can infer as much from her attachment to a mechanical dog) too. But most importantly, she really appreciates and fights for the people she cares about. You better move in while you can–I hear the sixth year is the charm for Gordan.

Zevran (Dragon Age franchise) – So maybe he’s a little selfish and has an unhealthy fascination with treasure (and leather, interestingly enough), but girls like a project to fix, right? What really matters is that Zevran has a sense of humor that’s hard to come by in the world of video games. And that’s really the hardest thing to find–a person who can always make you laugh, no matter how down you’re feeling. And it’s not like he’s actively plotting against you. He’s actually a pretty friendly and forgiving guy who rarely lets quibbles become personal. You’ll just have to make sure to keep him more interested in you than any other opportunities that might arise. But the best part? You don’t even have to take his last name, because he doesn’t have one!

So there you have it. Now you may be thinking how much this list sucks, and I remind you that my background in Japanese games isn’t that deep, so we’re limiting things to the screwed up world of Western video game characters. Then again, the Japanese are pretty screwed up as well…Anyways, what you should be wondering is why I just wasted your time with a list of singles that you are physically incapable of mingling with…Now you know what it’s like to be me. Muwhahahahahaha!

Author: Cody

Tags: alyx vance, bachelors/bachelortettes, captain anderson, ezio, feature, lara croft, mario, miranda keyes, samus aran, sgt. johnson, shepard, valentine's day, zevran