E3 2010: Ubisoft press conference liveblog

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–Ubisoft opens up with Children of Eden, being played on Kinect. It may as well be Rez HD with poppier techno. There’s a lot of arm waving here. Looks like it could get tiring. “Yeah…Wow! Amazing!” Haha, you gotta love PR guys. Ooh, apparently that PR guys is the star of NBC’s Community, which is actually a pretty funny show. Most of his jokes are falling flat right now, though. He’s definitely attacking the hardcore market with jokes about sitting alone in dark rooms. Wrong move, buddy.

–Concept art trailer for Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood. Transitions into the cinematic I posted earlier today. In case you missed it the first time, that’s coming out November 16th. Then an extended gameplay demo is shown, starting with a needless sex scene and transitioning into a crazy set piece. Apparently, horse riding is going to be more fleshed out this time around and horse combat will play a role later in the game. Ezio also has new moves and combat mechanics, such as the ability to hurl axes at dudes from 15 feet away. The enemy AI is said to be more aggressive. The demo wraps up with Uncle Mario getting some hot lead to the back of the head and Ezio losing the day’s battle. He must go on to recruit brothers to fight another day. Game looks fun, but there isn’t even a pretense of stealth anymore. It’s straight-up action. They also mention that you’ll be able to play as Templars in multiplayer, but don’t divulge any more details. And that’s that.

–Now they’re trotting out Shaun White to mumble about Shaun White Skateboarding. As if I care. And I don’t know how much longer I can suffer through the Community (Joel McHale) dude’s terrible jokes. Demo. This actually looks pretty cool. The central mechanic of the game is changing the environment in real time through cool tricks. For example, if you do a kick flip or something, a small ramp might rise out of the street down the road for you to jump off of. Ledges can also extend or grow as you grind them. Very unique mechanic. I still don’t know if it’s enough to interest me in a skating game, though. Still, the unrealistic skating is a start. And the levels are said to be unique to the player after a skate session, what with the trick = environment morphing mechanic. I think they should just make things completely insane and run with this idea. The look is too realistic right now. It’ll be on the Wii as well as 360 and PS3. Supports 3D as well. McHale’s jokes still suck.

–There’s some sort of pathetic game of laser-tag taking place in the middle of the theater now. It’s beyond bewildering. What the hell is Ubisoft doing? Haha. Some Frenchman describing a “harmless deathmatch” with his kids. Sure, it’s just laser-tag, but still a poor choice of words…Jesus, my neck is killing me. Hopefully this boring press conference ends soon. They’re not even showing video games right now! I’m very confused as to what this is. I think the “video game” aspect of this just tracks stats on screen. Didn’t old laser-tag units do that within the guns? God, this is garbage. I am so confused right now.

–Now they have some red/purple haired yahoo up there talking about stress. He’s calling Joel “sexy.” They’re showing some damn hippie game that monitors your vitals and presents them in colorful cartoons for your retarded ass to comprehend. It’s called Innergy. It’s not a game. It’s just a cartoon that plays on your computer while you “relax.” Thanks for the fantastic game demo, Ubisoft.

–Now they have a bunch of developers (all French) talking about designing games around the player’s body. Those ones are always the best, aren’t they?

–Yay, fitness games using Kinect! I care! I really do. “Wow, this opens up so many ways for people to utilize fitness,” in a California surfer’s voice. Jerk. I so want to go gather videos of real games to post right now, but I’m worried that I might miss something good at the end of the conference.

–”Fun, family gym activities,” briefly followed by fake laughter. I think it’s time to end this. The next update in this post will involve a real game. I apologize if you were really looking forward to all the latest on fitness games.

–Well, as soon as I went to find other videos to post, Ubisoft saw fit to start playing a trailer for the next Raving Rabbids game. I still don’t really care, but at least it’s a game. It involves time travel. Comes out November 9th.

–Ghost Recon: Future Soldier trailer. Nothing too special. McHale’s fake excitement is getting out of hand now. At least I hope it’s fake. Gameplay demo now. Lots of sneaking around with optical camo. The invisibility pretty much acts as an excuse to not utilize real stealth or design proper enemy patrols. When they do show combat it’s heavily cover-based. 4 player co-op. 3D support. “Greatest thing [Joel McHale] has ever seen.”

–Trailer for Driver: San Francisco. Some really sweet first-person perspectives in the trailer. I doubt they’ll be in the actual game, though. They’re talking about the story returning to the series’ roots. The bad guy is the enemy from Driver 2. Should I care? The gameplay perspective is constantly shifting and cutting between interactive parts and cut-scenes. Looks really jarring at the current frequency. Features a mechanic called “shifting” which allows the player to teleport from one car to another, thus nullifying any potential crashes. The explanation behind this is that the protagonist is in a coma and everything’s going on in his head. Or something like that. The game looks alright. No real sense of speed, though.

–Ubisoft’s CEO comes out to tease three new games. The first one, codenamed “Project Dust” is due for spring 2011. It looks like we play as some sort of tribal person who must utilize elemental control to prevent the world from crumbling around them. The environmental changes and element effects actually look unique. It’s for digital distribution.

–Next up is Rayman: Origins. The visual style looks really cool. The gameplay looks like simple platforming/brawling. Apparently only five people have been working on the title because of some revolutionary new tech Ubisoft has that allows artists the tools to create “unique and interactive” works.

–ManiaPlanet for the PC. It’s a platform for user-generated content. I’m not very clear on what it’s all about. They say it’s like user-generated content for Trackmania, but with more genres. What the hell is Trackmania?

–And finally, the only logical conclusion to all of this non-sense–a Michael Jackson dance party to the tune of “Beat it.” Look at those hipsters shake it! I think this is supposed to be advertising a game…then again, they could just be dancing for the hell of it. Well…they didn’t really go out of their way to mention a game. I’m beginning to wonder if they really did just dance for the hell of it. Anyways, that’s the end of that God-forsaken thing.

Author: Cody