A generic trailer for a generic game. At least they’re consistent…

ly sucky. High five!

Share/Save

The characters from that other Resident Evil game. You know, the one that everybody forgot about when RE6 was announced. Or maybe it was RE: Revelations that we all forgot. But just because this particular entry in the series is old hat doesn’t mean that its riveting one-liners can’t compete with the best Capcom has to offer. “I don’t get paid enough for this,” indeed.

And as long as I’m on the topic of Capcom’s masterful grasp of the English language, I’ll give somebody ten space bucks if you can think of a game with more syllables in its name than RE: ORC.

Share/Save

Apparently they start counting from zero in Poland. Still, CD Projekt Red is really moving up in the world these days: they’re finally developing on consoles, they’ve managed to find some English speaking staff members for marketing videos, and maybe, just maybe, they’ll start counting from one some day. Not that it really matters; they can count from negative one just as long as they keep treating their games with the respect and tact such quality experiences deserve.

The definitive version of The Witcher 2: Assassins of Kings comes out April 17th on Xbox 360.

Share/Save

“You don’t win the battle by doing what’s right. You win by doing what’s necessary.” Gee golly, I sure can’t wait to unlock the mustard gas perk after 3-starring the torture section! I mean seriously, does Ubisoft not realize what a huge field day the media could have with a trailer like this? Frankly, I wouldn’t even blame them. This is nothing short of gadget porn that glorifies dehumanizing technology with the power to kill.

I’m not some liberal lunatic denouncing all acts of war or media depictions of them, but I am a person who’s getting real sick of waiting for “Mature” titles to live up to their branding. But hey, the developers don’t even seem to have a full understanding of the “ghost” concept, so I guess I’ll cut their ignorance some slack.

Share/Save

In which Jackie Estacado becomes lord of the gremlins. That’s some dark doo-doo, my brothers in light. And yeah, those last 30 seconds have nothing to do with the game, but I found them far more entertaining than any 15 second ad.

The Darkness II releases February 7th. If the “executions” trailer below doesn’t convince you to buy it, then you’re probably a morally upstanding person that scorns gratuitous violence and works toward “enlightening” our backwards civilization.

Share/Save

The returning veterans sound better than ever and the new additions seem to be quite excited to be a part of the game. I have confidence that the voice acting will–wait, the eye candy’s not Miranda? One Miranda wasn’t enough? How will we ever differentiate between Ashley (young and busty white brunette 1), Miranda (young and busty white brunette 2), and “Diana Allers” (young and busty white brunette 3)?

If the Illusive Man is cloning these broads and giving them different hairstyles to trick us, then he’s got another thing coming! Homosexual Shepard FTW!

Share/Save

So apparently Soul Calibur V is out as of today. With a marketing campaign consisting solely of Japanese language trailers up until this point (give or take a couple), this information might seem a bit sudden to some of us (me). But it’s here, and it’s got a nonsensical English language trailer to prove it. Let the battles begin?*

*By battles, I most certainly do not mean Soul Calibur fanboys taking revenge upon my virtual body for my ignorance.

Share/Save

Man, the year 1271 was so great. Remember that awesome party the king threw on his boat in the Pontar River? There were astounding feats of archery,  jesters kickin’ each other in the butt, and two dudes just wailing on each other. Oh, and then there was that whole freezing the entire boat and brutally murdering everybody aboard thing… That guy was such a buzz-kill.

As awesome as this trailer looks, I’m disappointed that there’s no actual gameplay. Hopefully we’ll see more as the marketing ramps up in the coming months. The Witcher 2 brutally stabs your Xbox 360 in the chest on April 17th.

Share/Save

Now we know. And you know what? I actually think it looks pretty cool. The combat has always been fun in Mass Effect games and this will give me a chance to try out all the classes without having to replay the entire game half a dozen times. Not to mention the hilarity that will ensue when you get a mix of Krogans and Salarians on your team. If any game excuses ignorant online racial tensions, it will surely be Mass Effect 3. It’s just role-playing, right?

Share/Save

Some people call it Quantum Conundrum. As the video above shows, it’s pretty easy to see how Swift’s experience working on Portal has influenced this upcoming downloadable title. I wouldn’t even be surprised to see hidden extras linking the two games; a fluffy GLaDOS, perhaps?

Well, anyway, you can look forward to “safe surfing” sometime in early 2012 for Xbox Live Arcade, PlayStation Network, and the PC. Just remember: it’s only safe until a fluffy shark smells the dead baby seals in your safe. Yeah, your uncle is that guy.

Share/Save