Shenmue - The game where the mini-games are the game, man.

Before venturing any further into what will surely be dubbed an inadequate list by the lot of you, I’d first like to try to define just what a mini-game is. For starters, despite what the internet seems to think, it’s not Call of Duty‘s Nazi Zombies mode; that’s a full-fledged feature. It’d be like calling Gears of War‘s Horde mode a mini game. No, mini-games need to differentiate themselves from the core gameplay in some way. But they also need to realistically exist within the context of and feel authentic to the game-world, which rules out randomly misplaced distractions like Project Gotham Racing 2‘s Geometry Wars. Lastly, a mini-game needs to be something that can be returned to again and again regardless of where you are in the game’s story. In other words, it has to exist outside of one or two quests. Oh, and I’m ruling out mini-games from mini-game compilations in this list; sorry WarioWare and Mario Party. Following this definition, I give you ten of the best mini-games in a vast landscape of mundane wood chopping and mediocre button-mashing.

Air Hockey of the Future (Beyond Good & Evil)
For starters, air hockey is probably one of the most entertaining games of any sort to ever grace the Earth. While Michel Ancel’s take on it lacks the cool breeze beneath your fingertips and wayward paddles careening through the air, it makes up for it with a simple, yet addictive formula. There are eight pucks on the table at all times–four to a side. A wall runs across the middle of the table with a narrow, curved opening around the middle. Once the air starts up, you’ve got eight pucks zooming around that all have to end up on your opponent’s side of the table. The unique curve of the wall’s opening makes shooting with the proper angel a necessity, lest you want your puck hitting the wall and bouncing right back to you. And with your opponent flinging them right back at you, you’ve got to calculate quickly and constantly remain aware of every puck’s location. It’s a fast-paced game that’s easy to get into, but deceptively difficult. And it’s all accentuated by the Akuda Bar’s frantic Latin Rap beats.

Blitzball (Final Fantasy X)
Having never played FFX myself (I know), I don’t personally know the intricacies of Blitzball, but from all I’ve seen and heard, it sounds pretty fantastic. It seems to boil down to a turn-based futuristic version of water polo that lets you level up your team’s players over time. Different characters have different strengths and there’s a strategy to knowing when to utilize who and for what purpose. With a little more depth, Blitzball could probably form the basis of an entire game.

Fishing (The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time)
The old hook and pole has always been a staple of mini-games to varying degrees of success. One of the funnest and most rewarding fishing mini-games ever is found in what might be the best Zelda game ever. The gameplay’s really no different that what you’d expect–cast your line, bait a fish into biting it, and reel that sucker in–but there’s something undeniably rewarding about the age-old pastime. And trading in your big, fat, lunking catches for sweet prizes is always rewarding.

Hacking (BioShock)
Some people feel like the hacking mini-game in BioShock breaks up the title’s heated combat (that tends to happen when a hack completely pauses the action), but I’m willing to overlook that and appreciate just how addictive hacking Rapture is. Faced with a grid of dozens of mystery squares, you’ve got a limited amount of time to flip enough squares to find vertical tubes, horizontal tubes, and curving tubes that link together to guide the “electrical flow” toward the desired end point. But with multiple hazards secretly blocking paths and only so many of each tube type to go around, it’s a feverish struggle to forge a suitable path through the grid’s puzzle before the speeding electricity has nowhere to go.

Insert another Final Fantasy mini-game here
Okay, so collectively, this series probably has more good mini-games than every other video game combined, but having never played any of them, I just don’t feel qualified to pick one above the rest. I’m told that FFIX‘s Tetra Master and FFVIII‘s Triple Triad are a ton of fun, but for as many videos as I’ve watched, I just can’t figure out how they’re played. Then there’s a whole collection of mini-games at the Gold Saucer in FFVII. And, you know, I’m just feeling a little overwhelmed by all of it so I’ll let you guys pick for yourself. If that’s not the definition of an informative, insightful top ten list then I don’t know what is!

Klungo Saves Teh World (Banjo Kazooie: Nuts and Bolts)
Banjo Kazooie: Nuts and Bolts is an incredible game, but it is pretty light on the platforming the series built its name on. That just makes this fiendishly difficult throwback to the Platforming genre’s 8-bit roots all the more satisfying as a welcome change of pace in the Puzzle-Racer (you need to experience it for yourself). There’s just something about honing your reflexes and timing to perfection after whipping your controller to the ground again and again in frustration that brings on the good ole nostalgia. Oh, and the 8-bit music is like a 10 on the awesome scale. The background art of Dr. Space-Klungo rescuing an overly boxum damsel in distress is an 11. Put together, that’s like hitting blackjack in the casino of your awesome-receptors and blowing the chips right out of your ears. Yeah, think about it…

Klungo begins saving teh world around 3:30.

Liar’s Dice (Red Dead Redemption)
Without a doubt my personal favorite on this list, Liar’s Dice is the reason I wish RDR were an RPG. I mean, what’s so wrong with wanting my John Marston to become a traveling gambler who abandons his family and obligations to hit it big with nothing more than five dice and his wits? But nooooooo, Rockstar had to go and force a predefined character on me. In the game, at least two (and usually a few more) people roll their five dice in a cup and conceal them from everybody else. Based on what you roll, you have to figure the odds of what everybody else rolled and place a bet on the number of a particular die on the table. To elaborate, you may bet that there are at least three ones on the table between everybody. The player to your left can then call your bluff, in which case everybody shows their dice and if their aren’t at least three ones you will lose a die, but if their are then he loses a die. Or he can re-up the bet and say that their are at least four ones (or five, etc). Or he can change the initial bet to a different die just as long as the cumulative number matches the current bet, i.e. at least four twos or threes. It all sounds rather complicated, and bringing the spot-on move into things muddles it a little more, but it’s an easy game to pick up after a few rounds of hands-on time. Pretty much, you want to hold onto all of your dice. This mini-game gets extra points for being a great real-life drinking game (if you happen to have 20-25 six-sided dice on hand).

Pazaak (Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic)
Pazaak is basically Blackjack a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away. Two players both draw cards trying to get as close to 20 (I wonder if there were legal issues with using 21?) without exceeding it as possible. You can hit for random cards just like in regular Blackjack, but you’ve also got four cards of your own that can either add or subtract from your total. Once you use one of these personal cards it’s gone for the match, and you have to win three “sets” in order to take the match. It’s a simple and addictive game that anyone can get into. But the really cool part is that you can find or buy better cards for your personal deck out in the game-world and increase your chances of winning at the table. I’ve lost many hours to this mini-game.

And while Pazaak is pretty good, I have to say that BioWare really outdid themselves with Mass Effect 2‘s painfully fun planet scanni–okay, I can’t even keep a straight face for that. Can we seriously get some mini-games for ME3 that are at least little bit more exciting than death itself?

Taxi Driver (Grand Theft Auto series)
The Grand Theft Auto games are known for their bustling sandbox cities and all of the little activities that make them feel real. A large part of that is mini-games, and while it’s always fun to get drunk and play darts in GTA IV or to deal out some vigilante justice from the wheel of a police car, I’ve always been partial to the timed taxi fares. Just jump into a taxi and click down on your analog stick and you’re playing Crazy Taxi in the ultra-detailed worlds Rockstar always crafts. There’s not much to it, but do we really need more than the excitement of whizzing between lanes of on-coming traffic with a terrified customer in the back seat? Not really, but I guess you could also throw the customer out and repeatedly run them over for a little extra kick.

Skip ahead to 1:00.

As a runner-up for the franchise, San Andreas‘ Hot Coffee mini-game is certainly…noteworthy. I’m sure there are millions of 12-year-old boys who would have played it incessantly if they knew how to hack their consoles and access it. The PC kids probably scoffed at such tame material and went back to modding the deranged sex mini-games of their dreams.

Westcliff Shooting Range (Fable II)
The Fable series is guilty of some pretty atrocious mini-games, but the Westcliff Shooting Range is not one of them. It’s an exceptionally well-designed, increasingly difficult shooting range that rewards players who keep their cool and concentrate on head shots. It’s easy to get the points to complete the quest, but getting the full 200 for the greatest prize is a fun and memorable challenge. You’ve got to always keep your composure and be aware of where enemies are popping up as well as civilians. It’s a great change of pace in a great Action-RPG.

And that’s my list. It was depressingly hard to come up with. There is a severe lack of quality mini-games out there. Hopefully you’ll all be able to enlighten me in the comments with some games that I missed. Until then, I’ll just keep dreaming of a next-gen Secret of Monkey Island that throws the classic insult sword-fighting in as the greatest mini-game of all time.

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Pretty memorable first level, right?

So, as I was researching this list, I was filled with a desperate urge to replay (or play) every one of these games. That’s what a great opening level will do for you. No sitting through boring tutorials, no unnecessary exposition; just cut right to the heart of the game and never look back. Now due to the nature of this list, open-world games are severely lacking here (but not completely absent!). And whether it’s because game design has gotten better over the years or because “you just had to be there” to fully appreciate a game’s innovations, this list is largely populated by modern titles (sorry, Super Mario 64). Now I’ll acknowledge the irony of this mundane intro and let you get to that list!

BioShock – You know, sometimes I get sick of putting BioShock on every “best of” list I do, but it’s just that good. From the second that plane dives toward its fiery demise to the moment you wade out of the sea and into a mysterious lighthouse, that opening captivates me without so much as a “Would you kindly?” And then, to look up and see Andrew Ryan’s bronze hands holding Rapture’s iconic welcome message of “No gods or kings, only man”…Man, the first three minutes of that game create a more intriguing world than most games can manage in eight hours. Follow that up with the breath-taking reveal of the city under the sea, the horrifying first encounter with a splicer, desperately waiting for the door to unlock as Andrew Ryan’s recording condemns CIA and KGB scum such as yourself while a mob of splicers is bashing the windows in…sweet baby Jesus! Every part of that game’s opening level is perfect. The atmosphere of decay and chaos pulls you under as you learn the complicated systems of the world, and with the larger-than-life Mr. Ryan preaching his utopia around every corner, you have no hope of breaking the immersion and surfacing for air until the very end. Can Irrational possibly top their last effort when BioShock Infinite comes out?

Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare – Back when Treyarch was too amateur for anybody to notice that Call of Duty was an annual franchise, Infinity Ward was in the driver’s seat for a solid but stagnating series. Then they decided to take things to the modern setting. I don’t know if they could have made a better introduction than “Crew Expendable” (we’ll forget about the “F.N.G.” tutorial here), a high-octane SAS raid on the stormy seas that ends with a missing nuke and a sunken ship. What makes this level more memorable than the intense shoot-outs and heart-pounding set-pieces is the way it frames a disturbingly believable story of war in the age of terrorism. After the wetwork of this secret op is done, the game puts you in the shoes of a rather unfortunate Middle Eastern leader who’s executed on national television. These narrative innovations were far more profound than any persistent multiplayer leveling and they’re what Modern Warfare should be remembered for.

Deus Ex – I haven’t played more than 15 minutes of this myself (I know, I’m a terrible person), but in that brief time, I managed to see what everybody else raves about whenever they talk about this game and this level in particular. Setting things at the Statue of Liberty does a pretty good job of conveying the conspiratorial themes that make Deus Ex‘s narrative so memorable, but it’s the revolutionary freedom with which you’re allowed to complete your objective that earns it a spot on this list. Some people say it was extraordinary for the time, but I say that it still allows more freedom of approach than most games today. This game is the granddaddy of Shooter/Stealth/RPG hybrids and every developer could do themselves a service by looking at Deus Ex‘s opening level and striving to match its fundamental emphasis on player choice.

Dragon Age: Origins – Rather than dilly-dallying around with some amnesia non-sense like so many other RPGs, BioWare’s fantasy epic begins by giving you a very firm sense of your place in the world. You’re a noble dwarf in the subterranean city of Orzammar and you’re in line for the throne whenever your ailing father passes into the stone. Your two younger brothers are eager for power and frame you for a heinous crime that sees you sentenced to an inevitable death in the darkspawn-ridden Deep Roads. Seeing your only opportunity for escape, you join up with the fabled Grey Wardens and leave your home, your family, your reputation, and everything that you’ve ever known to save the world from some hardcore dragons. Oh, and this is just one of six unique “Origin Stories” in the game. No game feature has ever had some an impact on personal characterization for me. If people actually scratched their heads when they didn’t understand something, then BioWare’s decision to drop Origin Stories in Dragon Age II would probably have triggered an epidemic of deep head wounds and consequently, brain infections. That sounds like a sure-fire way to start up some sort of apocalypse, BioWare. What the hell were you thinking?

Fallout 3 – How is it that one of the most memorable parts of a game with one of the greatest open-worlds of all time is the beginning, where you’re confined to a cold and steely vault occupied by regular people with regular needs? Could it be that literally playing through your birth, toying around with lettered blocks as a toddler, and attending pathetic birthday parties as a young boy all contribute to forging an emotional attachment to your little vault? Could it be that the real sense of community makes leaving the scary and humbling experience it should be? Or maybe killing wasteland bandits just makes you yearn for the innocent days of beating a tunnel snake’s head in ’til the blood dries up. Either way, that first blurry glimpse of the world above wouldn’t be nearly as powerful if Fallout 3‘s opening vault weren’t such a well-developed community unto itself.

God of War III – The God of War series isn’t for everyone, but you just can’t argue with the epicness of its opening levels. The first game had the classic hydra battle. The second had the Colossus of Rhodes. And the third, well, that made a titan’s back into a level. Let me repeat: as the titan Gaia scales Mount Olypmus, you run around on her very earthly body slaying all sorts of baddies. Never before or since have I seen such an impressive use of scale in videogames.

The German dubbing makes it even more epic.

GoldenEye 007 – Is there anybody who owned this N64 classic that didn’t replay “The Dam” 50 times? I haven’t touched the campaign in over ten years and I could probably still give a respectable speed run. I still remember being in awe of enemies’ body animations when I shot individual limbs with that sniper rifle stowed away up in the watch tower. And when we consider that GoldenEye is generally considered to be the first console FPS worthy of the genre’s rich legacy, it makes that first experience all the more meaningful. And then there’s that whole part at the end of the level where you jump off a dam! What a way to end an all-time classic level.

Half-Life 2 – Maybe if I’d played the original Half-Life that intro would be taking this spot on the list, but I guess I just have a more personal attachment to Gordon’s G-Man infused train ride into City 17. As the player, you don’t do much more than walk through security checkpoints until you meet up with your rebellious group of pals and head to their secret hideout, but the faceless, baton-wielding soldiers of the Combine and their cackling radio chatter do wonders to characterize City 17′s oppressive atmosphere. Barney does a mighty fine impression of the oppressors to boot. All of these foreboding vibes make the eventual escape from City 17 all the more intense.

Mass Effect 2 – The first Mass Effect certainly deserves an honorable mention for Eden Prime, an action-packed level that manages to show you the ropes of gameplay while skillfully introducing the game’s primary villain and Shepard’s motivations all while maintaining a healthy degree of mystery. But Mass Effect 2 has got to go down as one of the very best openings ever. Feeling full of confidence after saving the galaxy in the first game, Shepard and his companions are attacked out of the black by an unidentified vessel that cuts through the Normandy like a knife through warm butter. The ship that you called your home in the first game is a flaming wreck as you race to the bridge to save your trusty pilot. Your utter helplessness really sets in as you cross a section where the ceiling has been ripped away, leaving only the unforgiving embrace of outer-space. When you finally do manage to save Joker, rather than making the narrow escape typical of this kind of scene, you’re blasted into space with the rest of the Normandy’s floating shards. The galaxy’s only hope is dead, and we don’t even know who killed him. Too bad Harbinger didn’t account for Cerberus’ zombification program.

Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty – Regardless of what you think of MGS2, it’s hard to argue with its opening being the best in the series. Stunning graphics (for the time) set against Harry Gregson-Williams’ masterful score mix with a dramatically rainy night on the George Washington Bridge to blow you away before you’ve even taken control. Once the obligatory Kojima cut-scenes end and you’re on the USS Discovery (as Snake!), you’re treated to some of the finest tactical espionage action to ever grace a video game. Then you get to fight Ocelot, whose right arm has been replaced with that of your twin brother Liquid Snake, resulting in Liquid’s personality dominating Ocelot and using his body as a host. Before you can even stop to ask what the hell is going on, the tanker sinks, you fake your death, and Snake Plissken is born. Metal Gear Solid doesn’t get much better than this tanker level.

Medal of Honor: Frontline – With the decline the franchise has seen this generation, it’s hard to believe that Medal of Honor once led the pack when it came to Military Shooters. But if you’ve ever started up Frontline and found yourself trapped in what may as well have been a floating meat locker on its way to the beaches of Normandy, then you’ll remember the bar this series set. Surrounded by gray skies, vomiting soldiers, and whizzing MG42 rounds, Frontline‘s opening level manages to evoke a fraction of the futility soldiers must have felt that fateful day. As soon as the gate crashes open you stumble past walking corpses and fall into the cold sea, bullets piercing the surface with no remorse. As you claw your way from tank-stopper to tank-stopper and watch medics gunned down in the line of duty, air planes screaming over dual lines of erupting sand, and brave men running directly into it all, you get a sense of just how terrifying battle is. What Saving Private Ryan was for war films is what Frontline was for war video games.

Resident Evil 4 – While Gears of War has set the standard for Third-Person Shooters today, we mustn’t forget that Epic’s ultra-violent Shooter wouldn’t be what it is without borrowing from RE4‘s revolutionary over-the-shoulder shooting mechanics. Booting up Capcom’s gorgeous Survival-Horror masterpiece for the first time, you could pop zombies’ heads off with precision never before seen. But this game’s zombies aren’t really zombies; infected by the uroboros virus, RE4‘s enemies are regular villagers tending to their labors when you arrive at their humble Eastern European village. However, they quickly turn less than friendly and give you an opportunity to shoot weapons out of their hands or serve up a fist full of dynamite from the local church tower. But you won’t feel quite so tough the first time you hear a chainsaw revving and realize that, “Holy crap, that dude is going to cut my friggin’ head off with a chainsaw if I don’t dive out of this window and kick some zombies’ heads off!”

Shadow of the Colossus – In a game where every fight is a boss fight, the first one better make an impression. Luckily, the first colossus of Team Ico’s masterpiece lives up to the title’s billing by being just about the largest thing gamers had ever fought up to that point. Seeing it lumbering about in the distance never fails to evoke a majestic admiration for the creature you’re about to kill. And what a kill it is! Scaling a colossus for the first time and delivering that fatal blow was unlike anything gamers had ever done up to that point. Likewise for the superb animations of Wander and his loyal steed. The best part is that all of this superlative gameplay is supplemented by a minimalist story that gives you just enough motivation to keep going forward without fully understanding the consequences of your actions. The first colossus of Shadow of the Colossus stuns and awes from a gameplay perspective, a narrative perspective, and a visual perspective. It is the introduction to one of gaming’s few artistic gems.

Star Wars: The Force Unleashed – By my own admission, The Force Unleashed is not a very good game. But it does have a few shining moments, and one of those is the opening level, which puts you in the space-boots of none other than Darth Vader. What better way to give you a taste of the power to come than by letting you play as one of the most feared force-wielders of all time? Never has Kashyykk seen such wanton destruction.

Uncharted 2: Among Thieves – The introduction to Drake’s second adventure is probably the best example of a video game capturing the feel of a good Adventure film’s best butterfly-inducing set-pieces. A battered and bloody Drake climbs a train that’s teetering off the edge of a snowy cliff before flashing back to the start of the wild adventure that got him there. Seriously, just go play it!

And that’s my 15 greatest opening levels of all time. If I had to pick favorites they’d probably be MGS2, Resident Evil 4, GoldenEye, and BioShock in no particular order. I’d love to hear everybody else’s favorites, but I think I’m going to go throw myself into some of these games for the next week. You should too.

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Since coming to college two weeks ago I’ve come to realize that not many people share my passion for video games, or if they do, they’re doing a very good job of hiding it. It’s understandable, though–games still tend to be viewed as childish toys by the general public. But even those who acknowledge the average age of gamers (32 as of 2010) still assume video games to be a strictly male pastime. To be fair, adolescent male power-fantasies do make up the majority of content out there, but there is so much more that the masses just don’t know about. So my question, as a person with a passion for video games (and someone who is hoping to garner some more readers for this here website), is “How should gaming veterans go about introducing the uninitiated to this world we love?”

A good starting point is to examine how the game industry is presenting itself to the public. Ten years ago nobody would have imagined seeing video game commercials on television, let alone in prime time slots like the NBA finals. So it’s clear that video games are becoming more mainstream and culturally acceptable, but it’s important to note what kind of games are achieving this status. Generally, the only games with marketing budgets big enough to secure those prime time slots are Military Shooters or Sports games. The family-friendly offerings of the Wii also get quite a bit of exposure, but you’re more likely to find those ads on Lifetime than during the Super Bowl (hmm, there’s that male/female dichotomy again). The fact of the matter is these are the types of games that sell big and define the industry in the eyes of the public.

While it is true that games like Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 (2009) regularly make hundreds of millions of dollars on the day of their release alone, there is still a vast and untapped market of people who’ve never touched a controller out there. Simulated war just doesn’t interest most 20-year-old girls or hands-on grandfathers. Those are some of the demographics that Nintendo has tried to tap into with the Wii, and that console’s staggering sales figures (74 million and still going) show that casual party games and cute mascots can be more profitable than space marines. The only problem I have with this representation of video games is that most the the Wii’s titles really are toys. Sure, a game or two of Wii Sports can be fun, but it just reinforces the notion that video games have nothing important to say. And frankly, the gameplay of these casual titles is so shallow that I don’t see anybody becoming truly passionate about them and showing them to their kids like our parents introduced us to Star Wars.

If I wanted to show scoffing non-gamers just how artistic video games can be I’d make them play BioShock (2007) (the original, because the sequel is just a cheap cash-in). Sure, the gameplay still boils down to basic Shooter mechanics, but the thoughtful and provoking examination of Objectivist philosophies is something most people would never imagine finding in video games because they still think it’s all about Mario saving the princess. The only problem with that is the very Shooter mechanics that made the game safe enough for a publisher to green-light it. If the developers couldn’t say, “It plays like this game or that game,” then the publisher never would have approved such an original vision.

Meet BioShock's Andrew Ryan.

So this raises an interesting point–how does someone who’s never played games before jump into the increasingly complex worlds that inhabit the gaming landscape today? Twenty-five years ago everybody and their sister played Super Mario Bros. (1985) because all you could do was run and jump. The gameplay was simple and intuitive enough to instantly pick up and play, yet it was fun enough to sustain interest. Today, most people have trouble moving their character and looking around the screen at the same time. What is second-nature to me through years of play time is completely foreign to non-gamers. Even if somebody wants to jump on the Halo bandwagon it’d be so difficult to learn how to play and have any fun in the ultra-competitive online community that it’s just not worth the admittedly pricey $60.

But at the same time, the rise of online gaming, social networking, Massively Multiplayer Online games, and so on demonstrates a clear desire for social interaction in gaming. As much fun as I can have in the 60 hours of solitude offered by a good Role-Playing Game, that experience probably isn’t appealing to everybody and might even come off as slightly unhealthy to some. So if people want social interaction with their games but the competitive online communities of said games are too inaccessible for them, then what’s the point in even trying?

I totally get this sentiment. Losing is never fun. The laws of the internet dictate that anonymity turns everybody into a total jerk. Put two and two together and you’ll probably never want to play that game again. So it seems that a new gamer’s only choice is single-player gaming. Personally, I prefer this type of gaming because I play for the interactive stories offered by no other medium, but as I stated previously, epics like Mass Effect 2 (2010) are probably a little intimidating to newbies. And I love me some First-Person Shooters, but on the whole, their narratives aren’t anything to write home about.

Third-Person Action-Adventure games like Uncharted 2: Among Thieves (2009) or Assassin’s Creed II (2009) seem to offer a good middle-ground between an FPS and RPG’s lengths while letting the player learn the intricacies of gameplay at their own pace. And the freedom offered by Sandbox games like Grand Theft Auto IV (2008) or Red Dead Redemption (2010) is very appealing to just about anyone. The only problem I see with starting in these genres is that Action-Adventure games typically lack the social aspect we’re looking for. As for Sandbox games, there’s almost too much choice. Just look at a casual player enjoying a session of Grand Theft Auto–”Oh, you can nail a hooker before brutally murdering her and taking your money back? Awesome!” I appreciate that these types of games allow for so much player freedom, but most people seem to resort to the digital equivalent of dick-drawing without narrative structure and guidance. GTA is supposed to be a social satire and commentary on how easily a person can fall into the thug life, not a game about how fun it is to run old women over.

"Look at all that open range...now what do I do!?!"

So returning to my original question, how should I go about introducing someone to video games? RPGs are too long and solitary. FPSs are too competitive. Sandbox games throw players into the wild without teaching them how to properly appreciate the beautiful game-world that’s been crafted. Action-Adventures lack the social side of things and are such a mixed bag in terms of quality and innovation that I wouldn’t want someone’s first impression of games to come from that field. Casual titles like Rock Band (2007) are fun but misleading when it comes to how far video games have come. That applies to Sports games too. This essentially leaves Platformers, Puzzlers, RTSs, and MMOs. MMOs like World of Warcraft (2004) are so different from the rest of the industry’s content that I’d just steer clear of them in general. It doesn’t help that they’re shallow and boring. Real-Time Strategy games are way too complicated to jump into blindly and are probably more competitive than FPSs. Puzzlers can be a lot of fun but are generally just time wasters, with the exception of a few narrative gems like Portal (2007). So that leaves Platformers.

Fiendishly fun titles like Super Mario Galaxy 2 (2010) prove how healthy the 25-year-old genre is today, but the 3D worlds they inhabit are undoubtedly more confusing than the side-scrolling 2D adventures of the past. Luckily, 2D Platformers have experienced a phenomenal resurgence over the past few years thanks to digital delivery platforms such as Xbox Live Arcade and PlayStation Network. Not only are these simple games fun and easy to pick up, they’re also cheap (usually $10-$15). Most importantly, there is a great deal of artistic expression and experimentation going on in this genre right now, largely due to the inexpensive development costs which have allowed publishers to give developers more freedom in taking risks. While there generally isn’t a social component to these indie-darlings, the low cost and short length make them prime candidates for introducing people to single-player gaming and the narrative possibilities that come with it.

So this is what I would propose. Start the new recruit off with a 2D Platformer like Braid (2008) or Limbo (2010). These visually stunning games set the tone right away and let the new player know that games are making an effort to be more than ultra-realistic looking Military Shooters. The gameplay is simple enough to learn quickly and the narrative themes will force the player to reconsider any notion of what they thought video games were before.

The colorful visuals contrast starkly with the dark story.

From there, it could be a good idea to transition from 2D Platformers to 3D Platformers with the PS2 classic Shadow of the Colossus (2005). This utterly unique Puzzle-Platformer left a friend and I discussing its thematic intricacies for hours after beating it and I would hope that it would have the same effect on new players. It’s also relatively simple to learn and is old enough that it can be found on the cheap.

Now that the gamer has some experience in a 3D plane it’s time to learn how to control a character from the first-person perspective. I wouldn’t push them right into a Shooter, though, as that would just be too much to take in all at once. This makes Portal (2007) the perfect candidate. Technically speaking it is a First-Person Shooter, but rather than shooting bullets at hostile enemies the player shoots space-altering portals around elaborately designed levels as they solve physics-based puzzles. The slower pace would allow the player to become comfortable in the more difficult first-person perspective and the devilish puzzles would convince them that games can require quite a bit of thinking. Not to mention, the sarcastically monotone robot who claims to be your friend but is actually trying to kill you is just the sort of thing to demonstrate how much personality and character games can have. This game too, is short and can be had for under $20.

Next up on the road to becoming a gamer would be a traditional FPS. But frankly it might still be too early to throw the player into the shark-infested waters of online-competition. The previously mentioned BioShock (2007), a single-player FPS, might be a good stepping stone for someone trying to familiarize themselves with shooting mechanics. But regardless of how many Shooters a person has played, the online world is always at another level. That’s why the new wave of cooperative-focused titles is so great. Games like Left 4 Dead (2008) or Gears of War 2‘s (2008) “Horde Mode” have players working together against computer-controlled opponents instead of mindlessly killing each other. When your level of skill directly benefits other gamers, they’ll be much more likely to help you learn.

At this point our hypothetical new gamer is probably prepared to leave the bridge of cooperative gaming and jump into the direct competition of games like Call of Duty. If they’re anything like me they’ll get sick of all the online jerks and move on to other genres. By now the gamer should be versed enough to handle the learning curve that comes with any kind of game and they’ll probably want to expand their tastes. RPGs like The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion (2006), Stealth-Action games like Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots (2008), Survival-Horror titles like Resident Evil 4 (2005), and so on.

There is more to gaming than this.

The point is that games have become very complicated and inaccessible in some respects. New gamers today should start in the same place that veteran gamers started 20 years ago. They should try to experience a little bit of every genre so they can decide for themselves what they like, if they’re a solitary or social gamer, if they’re cooperative or competitive, if they just play for fun or if they look for artistic expression in their games. Video games are here to stay and you’re just denying yourself a profound entertainment experience if you aren’t willing to give them a chance. Many of the games I’ve mentioned in this article are cheaply available and can run on most new PCs or laptops. Embrace the medium of the 21st century.

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"We could just make the player do both for us..."

Or in other words, should games narrate or immerse? We all tend to get so caught up in buzz-words and hype that we rarely stop to think about what we’re really getting vs. want we really want. It may seem like a strange thing to ponder at first. Why not just do both? Well, ideally that’s what games should be doing, but there are very few that actually manage to do this well. So let’s take a few minutes to examine the pros and cons of each side here.

I recently wrote a fairly negative review of Red Dead Redemption that a friend of mine took issue with. I think the root of our disagreement is that he’s happy with Rockstar’s methods of disjointed gameplay and narrative and I’m not. I’ll readily admit that Red Dead Redemption features some fantastic writing and characters. I just hate the fact that all that cinematic presentation has absolutely nothing to do with the actual game. When you break Red Dead down to the fundamentals, the story its gameplay tells is uninspired, repetitive, and boring. Player actions have no effect on the world. The only story we can tell is “Cowboy needs to shoot people to get what he wants.” Anything else we try to create on our own is thrown out the window the second the next cut-scene rolls.

Where Rockstar’s latest succeeds in the gameplay arena is in the majestic playground we’re dropped into. Quite simply, the vast frontier of Red Dead Redemption‘s game-world is one of the most magnificently dynamic and organic settings to ever grace video games. Simply exploring the world is a reward in itself. That may explain why I was so in love with the treasure hunting challenges, which tasked the player with recognizing the crudely drawn landmarks on their treasure map and finding that location in the game-world without any hints. For me, the best part of the game was the thrill I got out of roaming the great outdoors and appreciating the beauty of mountain tops intersecting a starry sky. For once, I didn’t want to fast travel through the world–I valued the journey more than the destination.

Maybe I wouldn't have taken a taxi everywhere in GTAIV if it looked like this.

Now if we step back and re-examine our question for a moment, what I have described above is clearly an example of immersion. Rockstar created a world so engaging that just being in it was fun. The same can be said for games like The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, Shadow of the Colossus, or Assassin’s Creed. When the mere act of exploration is fun, then a developer has succeeded in creating an immersive world.

Another thing that all of those games happen to have in common is that they don’t feature particularly strong and definitive narratives. For the life of me I can hardly remember the main story-line of Oblivion (although it had some masterful side-quests), SotC‘s narrative strength was in its unobtrusive simplicity, and all the interesting plot points of Assassin’s Creed took place in a secret Templar corporation’s holding block for test subjects. I’m not saying that these games had bad stories (far from it)–I’m just saying that they require more player input than traditional narratives in order to flesh everything out.

So back to Red Dead Redemption for a moment–rather than ask the player to assist in creating John Marston’s adventure by examining the game-world and interacting with it, Rockstar chose to feed us a traditional cut-scene driven narrative. This approach does a better job of soliciting defined emotional responses from players and building universally recognized characters. Franchises like Halo, Gears of War, and even Mass Effect have utilized this cinema-influenced method of story-telling to great effect. Sure, the worlds of these games may be nice to look at, but I rarely find myself just frolicking about for the pure appreciation of the world’s mysterious behaviors. I suppose one could argue that Mass Effect‘s immersion takes place in the depths of NPC interaction and conversation and that the exploration of different moral stances and their consequences is the fun of the game, but I could also argue that that interaction is restricted enough to be considered a mere extension of the directed cinematic. My point is that the strong narrative direction of these games comes at the price of player freedom in the the world. It’s hard to be immersed in a game when it constantly restricts your actions.

You're only mysterious because I can't explore your ship!

Now I realize that I may not be explaining myself all that clearly. This is a nuanced and delicate subject. But I suppose I would define an immersive game experience as one that sucks me into its world with nothing more than the interactions of its world’s systems. I want to be in these games because their game-worlds feel alive. They’re alive with or without me and when I interact with them, they react accordingly. Stories can be told in these worlds without any words ever being spoken. These worlds thrive on imagination. Traditional cinematic game experiences engage us with developed characters that demand empathy. The stories they tell vary little from player to player but they make up for that linearity with reliable emotional payoffs.

My issue with Red Dead Redemption is that it tries to combine these two schools of thought and fails. The game is populated by two different stories–the player’s story and the character’s story. The player’s story is told through their interactions with the organic sandbox of the wild west. The character’s story is told through the authentic writing of carefully directed cut-scenes. In my eyes, this schizophrenic narrative is tragically being hailed as an advancement for the medium of video games. For comparison’s sake, let’s look at a few games that actually have advanced story-telling in video games.

BioShock‘s world of Rapture was and still is one of my favorite places to explore. The authenticity of every nook and cranny begs the player to simply explore for the sake of seeing another world and its mysteries. Watching a Big Daddy protect a Little Sister regardless of your actions brings the ecology to life. When you decide to interrupt this ecology it reacts accordingly. The world is fun to be in because it’s alive. But the greatest success of this masterpiece is in the way it weaves it’s authored story right into the organic world. I never felt like I was being force-fed a linear story in BioShock because the story was symbiotic with the world. Characters were developed through audio diaries–relics of the crumbling world discovered through exploration. Villains moved about the same Rapture as the player, even if they were always out of reach. The way in which events played out in the world allowed for directorial control without obtrusive player restriction. Whenever you couldn’t do something or go somewhere, there was always a logical explanation provided through the clever writing. Most of all, nothing ever felt forced. Every character meshed with the world and every event flowed seamlessly with player actions. BioShock should be held as the gold standard for the merging of immersive gameplay and engaging narrative.

Would you kindly make another game this good?

But my all time favorite game is hardly the only one to accomplish this feat. Portal, Half-Life 2, Deus Ex, Fallout 3, Batman: Arkham Asylum, and more have all succeeded in blending the two goals in one way or another. The common thread is that in all of these superb games (relatively speaking, of course), the developer manages to guide the player through a directed narrative without inexplicably restricting said player’s choice or interaction. The player is free to explore the world and form their own narrative strands without invalidating the author’s story. Some games do this by putting you into the role of a defined character. Other games offer guidance from NPC characters. Some react to player actions. Others turn to the blanket of mystery. But all of them do it right. Red Dead Redemption, on the other hand, does not.

Please share your thoughts in the comments. Which type of game do you prefer? What are your favorite examples of perfect combinations? What are your examples of games gone wrong? Am I missing anything in my analysis? Let me know!

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On the contrary, I strongly believe that Afro Thunder deserves his own adventure game.

Perhaps it’s a guilty and fruitless pleasure, but we as nerds love to ask the question “What would happen if these two dudes fought?” I mean, who wouldn’t like to see Kratos in a fight to the death, mano-a-mano with some other bad ass? But quite frankly, cross-overs seem to be a bit of a legal hassle. Can you imagine Sony agreeing to put Sack Boy at the mercy of some schmuck who wants to see how bean bags react to the Master Chief’s fist? Yeah, it’s probably better that we restrict this list to collections of characters from the same game universe. Because when it’s Mario pounding Peach, it’s just hot profit-generating action and everybody’s happy.

But before I delve into the list of IPs that could support a fighting installment, let me first explain why these particular universes work. Oddly enough, a fighting game’s success seems to rely almost entirely on the personality of its characters. Tight and balanced combat obviously counts for something, but we can assume that if millions of dollars are being pumped into a AAA fighting game then its core mechanics are probably going to be just as satisfying as the competition. So what’s left to differentiate? I don’t mean to gloss over too much, but in my mind, it’s the cast of fighters. I prefer Mortal Kombat and Street Fighter to Dead or Alive or Virtua Fighter because of characters like Ken, Ryu, Sub-zero, and Scorpion. With that in mind, any series on this list has to have enough unique and dramatic characters to support a cast of fighters. I also tried to avoid games that already have experience in the fighting genre, so sorry, every Nintendo property ever, Super Smash Bros. has already got you covered. Now without further ado…

BioShock – Bet you’re thinking this one’s out of left-field, aren’t you? Is it really that crazy, though? 2K Games has already shown a gross disregard for the IP’s integrity with BioShock 2, so why not capitalize on the market of gamers dying to see Andrew Ryan beat Sophia Lamb’s face in with a golf club? The cast of charismatic individuals is huge–Ryan, Frank “Atlus” Fontaine, Brigid Tenenbaum, Sander Cohen, Dr. Yi Suchong, Dr. J.S. Steinman, Big Daddies, Little Sisters, and pretty much any character from an audio diary–and gamers would actually be interested in discovering more personal bits of their pasts. Oh, and plasmids give the perfect excuse for awesome fantasy attacks which would supplement the complex martial arts known to every resident of Rapture (you know, because they wanted to be prepared in case a CIA or KGB spook showed up). The city under the sea also makes for some great vistas and backgrounds while you bore a hole through Augustus Sinclair with a Big Daddy’s drill. I think you’re crazy if you don’t see the awesome in this. Well, either you’re crazy or you care what the franchise is supposed to be about and don’t want to see it so crassly commercialized. But you know how the saying goes–”If you can’t beat ‘em, and you can’t build a city on the bottom of the ocean, well then, you should probably join them!”

Gears of War – This one is a little harder to cut a roster out of simply because everybody that’s been characterized is on the same side. So let’s stop and think about this objectively for a moment. There are lots of muscles in the Gears universe. There are lots of tight clothes designed to show off said muscles. There is lots of yelling. There’s a healthy dose of bromance too. Do I really need to keep going, or is it clear by now that the Gears of War fighting game is going to be a tag-team pro-wrestling affair? Epic could put the series’ signature gore in there by giving the ring barbed wire ropes and spiked posts, and hell, why not make a cage match by surrounding the ring in Kryll-infested darkness? Chainsaws would obviously replace steel chairs. But everything else would be hot, sweaty, man-grappling action. Most of the characters in this franchise already have the inflated testosterone levels necessary to rile the redneck crowds up, and there’s enough diversity between Marcus, Dom, Baird, Cole, Tai, Dizzy, and the rest that audiences could find good guys and bad guys within the bunch. Everything starts out good with the Gears working together to dominate the Locust Federation, but then there would be a melodramatic betrayal and a new order would splinter from the original group. There’d be all sorts of suplexes and pile-drivers, choke-slams and clothes lines, overly elaborate moves with names that make them sound more painful than they are…It’d be great. And to top it off, Cliff Bleszinski is the ring-side announcer.

Grand Theft Auto IV – As you’ll notice, I’m actually narrowing this entry down to a sole installment in the infamous series, as each game just has too many great characters to pack into this fight-fest. To make all you whiners happy, I’ll say that protagonists from all the other entries in the series are unlockable characters. But anyways, this pitch is a little different than the first two, as the GTA fighting game would be more of a brawler than a traditional one-on-one fighter. I say this because I think wanton destruction of many faceless mooks champions the core spirit of the franchise and gives gamers a comfort zone to fall back on. So we’d play as Niko Bellic, wandering his way through the streets of Liberty City, kicking ass and taking names along the way. He’d have great one-liners like, “I need this!” and “Only in America!” Upon brawling our way through the streets of a level, we’d face a boss character in the traditional 2D fighter view. Each boss would be one of Niko’s “friends” from GTAIV, because all of their damn phone calls have finally driven Niko to violence. Brucie would clearly be the final boss, and we’d have to take down multiple health bars as he regenerates with shots of bull-shark testosterone.

Metal Gear Solid – I’ll be honest here–this game is the only reason I even made this list. Ever since I played through that epic Old Snake/Liquid Ocelot smackdown at the end of Metal Gear Solid 4, I just knew that this series needed a fighting installment. Every one of its characters oozes enough melodrama to make Snookie blush and everybody has washboard abs, even when they’re getting the senior discount on early bird specials. But seriously, Solid Snake, Liquid Snake, Solidus, Naked Snake, Old Snake, Big Boss, Boss, Raiden, Vamp, Johnny…the list of awesome characters goes on forever. And they’re pretty much all trained in some sort of brutal melee combat. Have Otacon drop special power-up items, have Colonel Campbell provide his wacky commentary, model every character’s fighting style after their abilities in the rest of the series…I could really see this working. And with Kojima-san’s cinematic flair guiding the project, it could actually prove to be a revolutionary entry in the genre that would set a new standard for jaw-dropping moments in a match. Kojima would find a way to cram every “wow” moment of a Hollywood slug-fest into this game and make it work, just like he did with the fight at the end of MGS4. Granted, there would have to be a little more freedom of movement and control over your character, but I feel like that same dramatized presentation could really be something unique in the genre. But really, you know Kojima could make some ridiculous-yet-enthralling story out of all this nonsense and we’d finally get to take control of Raiden and kick Vamp’s ass ourselves. Please make.

Resident Evil – Chris Redfield punches boulders. With his bare hands, dude. And he actually moves them! Have you seen the size of his biceps? Good Lord! Oh, and all of those other characters are pretty cool too. Some of them can burst into giant tentacle monsters at will. But seriously, rough-and-tough melee action between the many storied characters of this franchise, all set to atmospheric backdrops and with the occasional zombie dog jumping through a window to spice the match up? Sign me up, bro. The fact that Capcom has so much experience in the fighting genre only makes this that much easier. They’d know how to turn Ada Wong into a lethal femme fatale in the vein of Chun-Li. And since most great fighting games have a certain Japanese quirkiness to them, Resident Evil fits in perfectly.

To the death!

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This fine craftsman could have constructed an army of Big Daddies to do his bidding. And his Jason mask suggests said bidding would be terrifying.

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Once you proceed to read the rest of this story, that picture above will be so perfectly fitting that you’ll want to give me money ’cause I’m so money. But onward with the news. First up is news (via Kotaku) that you’ll be able to wield not one, not three, but two pistols in the most anticipated game ever, Modern Warfare 2. Sure, Perfect Dark did this ten years ago, but people seem to get their panties in a ruffle whenever the big franchise like Halo or Call of Duty catch up. Infinity Ward’s Robert Bowling had this to say about the addition, which was revealed at the GameCrazy convention:

“I was presenting a singleplayer mission at the GameCrazy show this morning on stage and happened to walk over a body that had Akimbo (dual wield side arm), therefore the icon for the weapon popped up on screen and the room went crazy with chants demanding I pick it up and use it.

So I did.

Happened to be dual Deagles. Now to calm some initial fears of “OMG! Overpowered!”. Akimbo is limited and balanced, just like EVERYTHING in the game. It’s limited to sidearms, harder to aim than standard and you can’t go ADS (aim down sights) since you have a weapon in each hand; Among other balancing techniques, so don’t freak out before you see it in action.”

On the one hand, it certainly sounds awesome. On the other, it seems like they’re sucking more and more realism out of the Call of Duty franchise and replacing it with Hollywood theatrics. Me? I’ll take the awesomeness please.

And this is where that picture at the top all comes together. You see how there are two pistols in it and I talked about two dual wielding in the paragraphs above? Okay, check. Now, you see how it’s from Left 4 Dead, a game with a notorious population of zombies? Well, that’s because after Pirates of the Caribbean Director Gore Verbinski had to bow out of the directorial chair for the BioShock movie because of scheduling conflicts, the powers that be deemed 28 Weeks Later director Juan Carlos Fresnadillo the new man in charge (1UP). All that remains to make it official is Take-Two’s blessing. Have to say I’m not thrilled, but the movie was probably going to suck already. But at least I got a cool picture out of this fiasco.

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Being lonely and unwanted by the ladies sort of comes with the territory of being a gamer. So inevitably, we’ve all turned to the fantastical land of video games for hope. “If only I could find a girl like Jill Valentine. She’d appreciate me…appreciate me big time!” But would we really want to be going steady with gaming’s fairer sex? This list sort of makes being alone seem not half bad. Then again, I could have just listed off ten Fable II hookers and it would have been the greatest thing in the world. I mean, you marry those broads, and all they do is put out, take care of your neglected offspring, and shower you with gifts. And if you ever upset them, make-up sex is only a “Hat, Headband, Mustache” expression away!

Bridgette Tenenbaum (BioShock) – Let’s get past her looks and general strangeness and just assume you’re into eccentric girls. So you go out on a date with her. She’s smart, ambitious, and has some really interesting stories. So you guys start getting serious. But the more time you spend with her, the more you realize she’s just some granola-girl broken record. It’s always, “Save the kids, this” or “We’re part of the problem, that”. And if you ever manage to get her off that save-the-world crap, she just drones on about how smart she was as a child and how grand all those Nazi medical experiments were. But hell, let’s say you manage to put up with all of that because she’s got access to some really cool black-market stuff. Can you imagine if you ever had kids with her? My God! Think of the children, damn it! What torturous experiments would they be subjected to!?!

The Princess (Braid) – The Princess is one of the worst types of women, but one that you simply can’t resist. She’s the type of beautiful girl who flirts with you enough to boost your shattered ego into thinking you actually have a shot with her, when in actuality, she’s just working you to make her knight in shining armor jealous. All those lustful glances and unspoken words will have you obsessing over her in stalker-like proportions until that heart-wrenching day you see her making out with the other guy in the corner. Oh, and then there’s that whole thing where she’s actually an atomic bomb or something.

Because pictures of her don't exist...or maybe they're just top secret.

Aeris Gainsborough (Final Fantasy VII) – Because she’ll make you cry like a little girl. And you won’t care, you’ll just want her back.

Cortana (Halo series) – Okay, so the whole not really being a person thing sort of throws physical contact out of the equation, but that’s not everything in a relationship. Upon meeting Cortana, you’ll likely find that she has a good sense of humor a certain tom-boyishness that makes her fun to be around. But things will probably start going down hill on about the third date, when you’re wondering how prude could this girl possibly be, and she’s in your head, listening to your every damning thought. And when her data corruption psychological issues start showing, you’ll wish you never got on her bad side.

Zoey (Left 4 Dead) – Zoey will likely appeal to you at first as that pretty girl whose mystery keeps you coming back to find out more. And she’ll be a lot of fun for a while too, what with all the exciting situations she always ends up in. But eventually you’ll start to grow a little weary of her apparent zombie-magnetism and become a little more concerned with your life than her hot and heavy life-style. And if that weren’t enough, you can never seem to be alone with her for more than 30 seconds before those strange guys she always hangs out with show up. But the worst part will be the paranoia when you hear rumors about what kind of movies she’s starred in in the past (just Google Left 4 Head if you’re not putting this together).

Princess Peach (Any Mario game ever) – Once you’re stuck in this hellish relationship, you’ll wonder why you ever got in it. For starters, her family is ridiculously rich, so you’ll absolutely never be good enough for her in her father’s eyes. And considering that her family is royalty, the spotlight’s always going to be on them. Pairing that with her father’s hatred for you, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that every time Little Miss Perfect gets in trouble, enough strings will be pulled that you’re taking the rap for it. And believe you me, she’ll be getting in plenty of trouble. The girl must have some sort of sick fetish for getting kidnapped and bringing about terrorist insurrections. So you’ll be doing plenty of rescuing as well. And after you lay your ass on the line to save her for the millionth time, she won’t even give you any lovin’ because of her proper up-bringing. That or she’ll be uber kinky, I’ve seen it go both ways with royalty. Either way, you’ll just long to run away to another kingdom, but you won’t be able to because her very powerful family would have such a lowly street urchin murdered for braking their precious Peach’s heart.

Naomi Hunter (Metal Gear Solid series) – Easy on the eyes and always eager to assist, Naomi will seem like a hole-in-one at first. But just when things are going well she’ll stab you in the back and reveal that she was only dating you as an elaborate revenge ploy because you beat her brother up on the elementary school playground. Plus she’s always jabbering about tiny robots in our bloodstreams and trying to inject you with things. And then she’ll probably try to get with your best friend and play all of you and you won’t know if she loves you or hates you and she’ll eventually off herself to try and convince everybody that she was good all along or some such non-sense. Chick’s got some issues.

Samus Aran (Metroid series) – Samus probably comes off as a pretty cool lady at first. She’s a strong-willed and independent woman, but she always puts others before herself. She knows lots of cool stuff and travels to a bunch of interesting places, plus her awesome rolling abilities ensure that you’ll always bowl a perfect game with her on your side. All of that rolling could also make for some interesting exploits in the bedroom. So what’s not to like with this beautiful, charismatic, and successful vixen? Oh yeah, half the world thinks she’s a guy…

Ms. Pac-Man (Ms. Pac-Man) – I think that wide-open mouth says it all.

You would not believe some of the images that turned up in Google for this.

Lara Croft (Tomb Raider series) – “Lara Croft on a list of video game characters you wouldn’t want to date!?! Have you gone mad?” Well, no. Just think about it for a minute. I mean, sure, she’s smoking hot and rich and is pretty much the female version of Indiana Jones, but I have a feeling things just wouldn’t be as great as they sound on paper. For starters, she’s gone on business so much that you’ll barely have any time together. Just think of all the emotional stress you’ll have from worrying about her safety nine months out of the year. And when she does come back you probably won’t do anything more than have sex and listen to her emasculating stories. But could you really enjoy that knowing how hot she is? She’s bound to catch a few fish on all of her fancy expeditions with that body, and one of them might just be some burly tomb explorer with a chin more chiseled than yours and a butt to die for. The paranoia and jealousy would kill the relationship. She is just too gorgeous to spend that much time away from you, especially since her moral code doesn’t have any qualms with stealing from the dead.

Female Characters (Any fighting game ever) – Because women who can kick my ass scare me.

So there you have it. Video game girls really aren’t that great after all. But if you’re still holding out hope, I hear that Alyx Vance is getting sick of waiting for Gordon Freeman.

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Well, another month has gone by and it was another hard decision, but user Cody takes the cake again. His entries are just so great that everybody else’s may as well be invisible. This particular piece, titled “BioShock in the classrooms,” is an excerpt from an academic essay he wrote on utopian literature.

The course would begin with a haunting exploration of a fallen utopia’s ruins in 2k Boston’s BioShock. The game’s unique in that the player is an outsider coming to the utopia of Rapture years after its fall. The world is littered with relics of the glory days that hint at what sort of society Rapture was, like a massive banner in the entrance that reads, “No gods or kings. Only man,” or orientation videos featuring the under-water city’s founder Andrew Ryan condemning the irrationally altruistic governments of the surface world. But the player quickly realizes that all is not well in Rapture, and they’re soon fighting to escape a society driven mad by abuse of the wonder-drug ADAM. Along the way the player will encounter dozens of audio-diaries from the city’s former residents that give a taste of what led to the great society’s fall, and according to respected game critic Jeff Gerstman, “Hearing the voices of these wide-eyed idealists as their world falls apart makes the whole game feel more human.” And that’s really the strong suit of BioShock in that it presents players with human characters that almost make you believe in the ideals of Rapture. And there are characters that can make you hate everything that Rapture stands for too. It truly is a tragic tale of the best intentions gone horribly wrong and the audio-diaries give the player a great idea of all the little metaphorical cracks in the city of the sea that led to the inevitable disastrous flood. The player even has some personal choice along the way when it comes to upholding the objectivist beliefs of Rapture or the altruistic values of the rest of the world. Game journalist Brandon Sheffield probably sums it up best when he says, “If you want to be told about the dangers of capitalist extremism and its dystopian results, play Final Fantasy VII. If you want to be shown, play BioShock.”

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