With all of the world saving and other heroic deeds they’re known for now, it’s easy to forget that our favorite game characters were once regular old kids who went through the same traumatic high school experiences as the rest of us. Okay, so maybe that completely negates the canon of most of these franchises, but it’s still fun to think where Sub-zero fell in the social circle of that bizarre microcosm of life we call high school. So sit back, relax, and contemplate how horrible a person you are for all the bullying you surely would have inflicted upon the future heroes of pretty much any JRPG.

Andrew Ryan (BioShock franchise) – Elitist
Mr. Ryan probably spent most of his lunch period amusing his pseudo-intellectual followers with elaborate analyses of what made them better than every other social clique in the oppressive institution which taught with an agenda and suffocated their intellectual potential by catering to the needs of the many over the few. There’s a good chance he spent some time in political or debate clubs before teachers grew weary of his extreme logic and asked him to apply his energy to more productive things, like fund raising for the Homecoming dance. This is likely the point at which Andrew began writing his first manifesto.

Augustus “Cole Train” Cole (Gears of War franchise) – Athletic jerk
Every school has that one kid who’s so far ahead of the competition in athletics that he inevitably develops an inflated sense of importance that no fiscally-minded administrator is willing to confront. Grades magically hover just above the academic probation mark, disciplinary incidents are brushed off as misunderstandings, and drug tests mysteriously lose all accuracy. Cole Train’s Thrashball prowess made him this kid. He bullied, womanized, and generally did whatever he wanted all in the name of God-given talent. Unfortunately, unless Cole’s mama shows up as a character in Gears 3 and smacks some sense into him, it doesn’t look like he’ll have done much maturing.

William “Bill” Overbeck (Left 4 Dead) – Creepy older kid who hangs out around the school
The other kids might have considered Bill to be a cool guy, especially since he knew a dealer up in the city, but they never really stopped to think why this former drop-out wasn’t hanging around his own age group. Anybody who would have asked would have found out that Bill was a ‘Nam vet who never really came back, but frankly, nobody was really interested in him for anything more than drugs or alcohol. This lack of acceptance only fueled Bill’s addictions and led to some rather dramatic psychedelic episodes, but all the kids just thought Bill’s death threats were part of his morbid sense of humor.

Captain John Price (Call of Duty: Modern Warfare franchise)- Pyromaniac prankster
As a troubled boy in England, few would have imagined John Price becoming a decorated soldier in the SAS. Price had a taste for explosions that went far beyond the firecrackers the other kids used in their pranks. His reckless obsession made him a bit of a loner by time high school rolled around, but that didn’t mean the other kids didn’t like him; his Prom night present in Junior year made him a legend amongst his peers. However, when he tried to up the ante Senior year, he had the misfortune of burning the gym down and getting caught. The choice was prison or the service, and the rest is history.

Commander Shepard (Mass Effect franchise) – Popular athletic leader
Depending on what your personal canon for Mass Effect is, Shepard wears a couple different faces. My paragon Shepard used his charisma and talents as a sort of ambassador between his fellow jocks and the rest of the high school population and he was generally likeable to everyone. Renegade Shepard, on the other hand, saw his superior talents and skills as a means of getting whatever he wanted with no regard for who got hurt along the way. It’s not that he actively wanted to hurt others, he just didn’t care if they happened to get hurt. Still, try telling that to all of the cheerleaders who hold onto their hatred for young Shepard even today.

Replace the gun with flowers and image he's giving them to her after the big game.

Dante (Devil May Cry franchise) – Metal freak/skater kid
To those who didn’t know Dante personally, it was hard not to label him as an emo kid. But as emotional as Dante got whenever somebody mistook his demonic appearance as proof of a desperate cry for attention, he was in fact, not an emo kid. In reality, he hated the emo kids (understandably). What Dante was was a Metal freak. He used most of his classes as an opportunity to design new album covers for his heavy garage band, The Devil Hunters. When he wasn’t shredding his ax, he was usually on his skateboard, showing up the punk and hippie skaters with his super-human agility and toughness. While most of the popular kids made fun of him behind his back, nobody had done it to his face since 8th grade, when he head-butted some poor schmuck to a bloody mess and casually said, “How’s my hair now?”

Duke Nukem (Duke Nukem franchise) – Repressed homosexual wrestler
As he does now, Duke consciously devoted a good portion of his high school day to groping any female stupid enough to be caught alone with him, whether they were gorgeous, ugly, or (in most cases) androgynous. When he wasn’t drawing crude pictures on teachers’ chalkboards, he liked to hit the weight room, where he secretly admired the aspiring body-builder Chris Redfield. He played Center in thrashball and routinely taunted Cole Train for refusing to join the wrestling squad, what Duke referred to as “the only man’s sport at school.” Cole refused to wrestle because he had no interest in grappling so intimately with a man, while Duke perpetuated their rivalry as a cover for his growing infatuation with the thrashball star. It wasn’t uncommon for the two of them to come to blows (which Duke loved), and every time Shepard broke the fight up he couldn’t help but think how delightful Duke might be someday if he just came out of the closet and settled down with a nice guy like Dominic Santiago.

Ezio Auditore da Firenze (Assassin’s Creed franchise) – Tortured rich boy
Ezio’s infallible charm, athletic prowess, and his family’s considerable wealth aligned to make him one of the popular kids, but in all honesty, he hated the burden of a respectable family name and the appearances that had to be kept up because of it. Because of this, Ezio became a bit of a trouble-maker and playboy, moving amongst the rich and famous like any other prep but displaying the reckless abandon of a kid from the wrong side of the tracks. He did pretty much anything he could to dishonor his family’s name and he did it with a smile, but like many rich parents, Ezio’s were too busy with their own lives to see their boy’s troubles as anything more than a phase.

Gordon Freeman (Half-Life franchise) – Science geek
If you were looking for somebody like yourself on this list, then Gordon’s probably your best bet. He spent most of his time in science and math clubs, debating the finer points of Star Wars with his peers when they weren’t constructing intricate experiments with no real value to the human race. He also had a desperate crush on fellow Science Club geek Alyx Vance that continues to this day. One time, when Duke casually made Alyx his groping victim of the day, Gordon began to fantasize of bashing the jock’s face in with a crow bar and even enacted the scene with some hand-crafted miniatures. But like his love for Alyx, Gordon has yet to act upon this impulse and likely never will. You can pick and choose which parts of that description apply to you, dear reader.

Guybrush Threepwood (The Secret of Monkey Island franchise) – That weird kid who wants to be a pirate
What, your school didn’t have one of these?

Jade (Beyond Good & Evil) – Nosy, aspiring journalist
You know that nosy girl who’s always asking how Cole Train is still on the team despite the fact that everybody knows he’s juicing? The school lets her run her little paper because it’d draw too much attention if they shut her down, but damn, is she a thorn in their side! Unfortunately, Jade’s questions weren’t merely aimed at the school, and as a result of her over-zealous pursuit of the whole truth, her only friends were her fellow school paper editors, and even they were occasionally irked at her lofty quality standards. Still, if you ever wanted some dirt on a fellow classmate, Jade was the girl to come to.

That seems about right.

Joanna Dark (Perfect Dark franchise) – Bad girl who everybody’s too afraid to date because of her crazy dad
Jo might be a professional alien-fighting agent now, but in her younger days, that craving for adventure paired with a sharp wit to make her an emasculating bad girl who manipulated gullible souls into providing her with the sense of danger she so adored, usually at the expense of the poor boy that didn’t really want to steal her dad’s car and drive to Lover’s Point, but felt obligated to because a beautiful girl was making a pouty face that nobody could resist. Sometimes she’d exaggerate the rumors of her father’s maniacal over-protection just because the look on the boys’ faces gave her more of a thrill. However, this also had the unfortunate side-effect of scaring off any long-term boyfriends, and with the girls labeling her a good for nothing tramp, her dad really did become her best friend until an alien named Elvis (finally, a bad boy to match her) came along.

John Marston (Red Dead Redemption) – Bully
If ever there were a mean son of a gun who you didn’t want to run into out of school it was John Marston. His gang was notorious, but his beatings were especially brutal, probably because hated what he was doing so much. Jade once tried to interview him concerning the rumor of his gentle nature toward horses and he spit some chew on her camera, which coincidentally shared the same name as his beloved horse.

Kirby (Kirby franchise) – Fat kid
It’s not easy being a fat kid in high school, but it’s especially hard on the fat kid. Unfortunately for Kirby, he was that one, monstrously large social outcast back in high school. Consequently, he ate more to cope with his sadness and his appetite has yet to subside. The one person who was friendly to him, Bill, tragically scared him away one day with a misunderstanding involving mushrooms.

Kratos (God of War franchise) – Trouble maker/rebel
Due to an abusive home, Kratos confused pleasure and pain at a very early age and never could shake the immense head-rush he’d get whenever inflicting pain on others. Despite countless suspensions and a couple expulsions, Kratos just couldn’t stop lashing out at others. He was a bit of a loner, but the crazy kind that nobody dared to cross. In the past he’d stirred up trouble with the local gang-leader, John Marston, but after seeing Kratos’ perverse torture of an innocent animal (any pain was pleasurable to this young man), Marston confronted his comrade. Unknown to most, this incident is were Marston received his signature facial scar.

Lara Croft (Tomb Raider franchise) – Too cool for everyone and she knows it
She was beautiful, athletic, intelligent, and interesting. In fact, she was so interesting that she had no interest in the affairs of mere high schoolers. This detachment inevitably made her an enigmatic symbol of cool in her schooling days, as the popular girls hated her for not wanting to be one of them (and being hated by them means you’re somebody), the popular guys loved her because the the popular girls hated her, the unpopular guys loved her because they knew the popular guys wanted her but couldn’t have her, and the unpopular girls loved her for not being an unsubstantial bitch when she could have been. All Lara cared about was that all of the college girls and guys liked her because she put out.

Mario (Mario franchise) – Stoner/Loser
How this man became the most recognizable character in all of video games will forever be a mystery to his high school brethren, who knew him as a chubby, unfashionable, future plumber who knew his future well enough to know that a few drug addictions wouldn’t alter the course of things. The thing was, unlike his brother Luigi, Mario didn’t care that everybody had written him off; he just kept jumping the barrels they threw his way and eventually made turtle koopa mutilation a cool thing.

It was a bad trip, man.

Master Chief (Halo franchise) – Mysterious Loner
Nobody really has too much to say about young Master Chief, because, well, nobody ever really hung out with him. They knew that he loved working on his car (an early sign of his unhealthy attachment to mechanical trappings), and they knew he was a dude you didn’t want to mess with. One time somebody heard him talking to himself in the bathroom, but nobody was crazy enough to say anything about it, not even Ezio Auditore da Firenze, the boy with the death wish.

Nathan Drake (Uncharted franchise) – Ladies man
Drake was never too concerned with the drama of others. He liked money and he liked women. Accordingly, he liked courting young girls with big pocket books. Despite his greedy motivations, he was nothing short of a gentleman and showed many a high school girl the romantic fantasy they could never get from the simple-minded jocks. The stoners (Mario in particular) were actually rather fond of him as well, as he knew all the best hiking spots and showed them how to climb like a champ. As he got older, he started to get more of a thrill from dangling at great heights and leaping great distances than he did from dangling outside girls’ windows and leaping into their beds, so his future as a treasure-hunter was sealed.

Revolver Ocelot (Metal Gear Solid series) – Theater geek/wannabe popular kid
As a hot-headed youth, Revolver Ocelot always had a flair for drama and fancied himself as a real charismatic fellow. Unfortunately, his unorthodox taste in clothing left him out of the popular circle. The next closest thing to being the center of attention as the hour and a half of stage time Drama Club could provide him with, so he begrudgingly accepted the limelight there and let his spirit fingers shine. In one role, he had to remove his shirt for roughly ten minutes, but it was long enough for Duke to make fun of his hardly noticeable chub (when asked why Duke was at the production, he simply said “I’m here to kick ass and chew bubble gum, and I’m all out of gum”). The stupid quip was quickly forgotten by the rest of the school, but it traumatized Ocelot to the point that he began working out with Chris Redfield in an effort to attain the hardest six-pack known to man.

Princess Peach (Mario franchise) – Slutty Cheer leader
Peach was never the brightest crayon in the box (somebody once had to explain this metaphor to her), but she knew that her sex appeal held undeniable power. Having her royal blood to constantly remind her of the false power her family held, she grew increasingly intoxicated with the power of lust. It started out with the sporty types and other rich students, but there were only so many of them to manipulate. What she got a real kick out of was teasing guys that were clearly out of her league, like poor Mario. The only person that knew this was her dear friend Daisy, who coyly reminded of it whenever Peach’s sexual appetite looked to infringe on Daisy’s own lustful pawns. Between the two of them, there were few students who hadn’t tasted the fruits of a royal tree.

Samus Aran (Metroid franchise) – Tomboy
On the opposite end of the spectrum was Samus, a voluptuous beauty who did everything in her power to hide her sex appeal. Despite her athletic importance to the school, many kids never quite accepted her, as her penchant for wearing men’s clothes provided ample firewood for the rumor that she and some other girls on the bowling team had men’s tastes in more than the fashion department. Samus never cared, though.

And there you have it, folks. 22 of your favorite video game characters like you’ve never seen them before. And no need to thank me for destroying all of their established pasts!

Samus is so non-conformist that she won't allow for logical picture placement.

Share/Save

Duke Nukem – Bruce Campbell might have the perfect personality to play the Duke, and Ron Pearlman has got a nearly identical mug shot, but nobody brings the entire package together quite like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Dye his hair blonde and the Governator is the spitting image of Mr. Nukem. Plus he likes to blow stuff up and smoke cigars.

Gordon Freeman – Most people like to think Hugh Laurie or Ed Norton make the perfect Gordon Freeman, but they’d be wrong. And all those silly geese who propose Mythbusters‘ Adam Savage are kidding themselves. When we realistically look at the pace at which Gordon takes a stroll–he has been escaping the outer edges of City 17 for three years now–his fall into obesity is inevitable. That’s why Drew Carey is the only logical choice. Slap a goatee on the fat man and he’s good to go.

Guybrush Threepwood – This one was really quite hard to decide, and I desperately wanted to pick Neil Patrick Harris here, but this Josh Meyers guy’s retarded smile is just perfect for the role. Give him some blonde hair and a pirate shirt, and he’ll be saying, “Hi! My name’s Guybrush Threepwood…” before you know it. Zach Braff and Owen Wilson were good candidates here as well.

Kratos – The bad ass anti-hero of the God of War series has a very particular look and persona that could be hard to bring to the silver screen. Vin Diesel immediately pops to mind as one of the few actors man enough to take on the role, but surprisingly, there’s a better choice out there–Molaram from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

Lara Croft – “She’s already had a movie,” you say? Well I’m here to tell you that she’s had more than one movie, and that sometimes the lesser known actress is the better choice.

Marcus Fenix – Considering there’s actually a Gears of War movie in the works, this one has a little relevance. While most people seem to think Marcus Fenix is a professional wrestler in his spare time, and therefore should be played by Batista or The Rock, I tend to follow the principle that films need actual actors. I suggest Prison Break‘s Dominic Purcell. Sorry guys, nothing funny there…well, I guess both characters were wrongfully imprisoned at one point. That’s funny, right?

Nathan Drake – I’m going to break expectations here and not select Nathan Fillion, although his mannerisms make him a terrific candidate. Really, it should be him, or the guy who actually voice acts Drake, Nolan North, but I want to think outside of the box. So take in that tasty shot of David Boreanaz. Colin Farrell was also in the running.

Niko Bellic – You could probably pick any homeless guy off the streets and have it look like Grand Theft Auto IV‘s sleazy protagonist, but this picture is just too priceless to pass up.

Sam Fisher – First, go watch Michael Clayton to get a sense of what George Clooney can bring to the role of an assassin. Then look at the two. Sam Fisher is George Clooney.

SNAKE! – There is perhaps no better game to adapt to film than the Metal Gear Solid saga, especially considering how cinematic it is and its roots in Escape from New York. It’s not a matter of if this movie is going to happen, it’s a matter of when. So fans are constantly stressing over who should play the series’ iconic hero. David Hayter, Kurt Russell, Hugh Jackman, Josh Holloway, they’re all great choices. But this guy…oh, dear God!

This guy.

Your Fable II Character – Lastly, as a little bonus, I think I know the perfect guy to play your Fable II hero. You know it, I know it, the whole world knows it–your character was a womanizing pig who charged way too much rent from his tenants so he could spend it on booze and pies. You might have even gotten a sex change too.

Share/Save