With all of the world saving and other heroic deeds they’re known for now, it’s easy to forget that our favorite game characters were once regular old kids who went through the same traumatic high school experiences as the rest of us. Okay, so maybe that completely negates the canon of most of these franchises, but it’s still fun to think where Sub-zero fell in the social circle of that bizarre microcosm of life we call high school. So sit back, relax, and contemplate how horrible a person you are for all the bullying you surely would have inflicted upon the future heroes of pretty much any JRPG.

Andrew Ryan (BioShock franchise) – Elitist
Mr. Ryan probably spent most of his lunch period amusing his pseudo-intellectual followers with elaborate analyses of what made them better than every other social clique in the oppressive institution which taught with an agenda and suffocated their intellectual potential by catering to the needs of the many over the few. There’s a good chance he spent some time in political or debate clubs before teachers grew weary of his extreme logic and asked him to apply his energy to more productive things, like fund raising for the Homecoming dance. This is likely the point at which Andrew began writing his first manifesto.

Augustus “Cole Train” Cole (Gears of War franchise) – Athletic jerk
Every school has that one kid who’s so far ahead of the competition in athletics that he inevitably develops an inflated sense of importance that no fiscally-minded administrator is willing to confront. Grades magically hover just above the academic probation mark, disciplinary incidents are brushed off as misunderstandings, and drug tests mysteriously lose all accuracy. Cole Train’s Thrashball prowess made him this kid. He bullied, womanized, and generally did whatever he wanted all in the name of God-given talent. Unfortunately, unless Cole’s mama shows up as a character in Gears 3 and smacks some sense into him, it doesn’t look like he’ll have done much maturing.

William “Bill” Overbeck (Left 4 Dead) – Creepy older kid who hangs out around the school
The other kids might have considered Bill to be a cool guy, especially since he knew a dealer up in the city, but they never really stopped to think why this former drop-out wasn’t hanging around his own age group. Anybody who would have asked would have found out that Bill was a ‘Nam vet who never really came back, but frankly, nobody was really interested in him for anything more than drugs or alcohol. This lack of acceptance only fueled Bill’s addictions and led to some rather dramatic psychedelic episodes, but all the kids just thought Bill’s death threats were part of his morbid sense of humor.

Captain John Price (Call of Duty: Modern Warfare franchise)- Pyromaniac prankster
As a troubled boy in England, few would have imagined John Price becoming a decorated soldier in the SAS. Price had a taste for explosions that went far beyond the firecrackers the other kids used in their pranks. His reckless obsession made him a bit of a loner by time high school rolled around, but that didn’t mean the other kids didn’t like him; his Prom night present in Junior year made him a legend amongst his peers. However, when he tried to up the ante Senior year, he had the misfortune of burning the gym down and getting caught. The choice was prison or the service, and the rest is history.

Commander Shepard (Mass Effect franchise) – Popular athletic leader
Depending on what your personal canon for Mass Effect is, Shepard wears a couple different faces. My paragon Shepard used his charisma and talents as a sort of ambassador between his fellow jocks and the rest of the high school population and he was generally likeable to everyone. Renegade Shepard, on the other hand, saw his superior talents and skills as a means of getting whatever he wanted with no regard for who got hurt along the way. It’s not that he actively wanted to hurt others, he just didn’t care if they happened to get hurt. Still, try telling that to all of the cheerleaders who hold onto their hatred for young Shepard even today.

Replace the gun with flowers and image he's giving them to her after the big game.

Dante (Devil May Cry franchise) – Metal freak/skater kid
To those who didn’t know Dante personally, it was hard not to label him as an emo kid. But as emotional as Dante got whenever somebody mistook his demonic appearance as proof of a desperate cry for attention, he was in fact, not an emo kid. In reality, he hated the emo kids (understandably). What Dante was was a Metal freak. He used most of his classes as an opportunity to design new album covers for his heavy garage band, The Devil Hunters. When he wasn’t shredding his ax, he was usually on his skateboard, showing up the punk and hippie skaters with his super-human agility and toughness. While most of the popular kids made fun of him behind his back, nobody had done it to his face since 8th grade, when he head-butted some poor schmuck to a bloody mess and casually said, “How’s my hair now?”

Duke Nukem (Duke Nukem franchise) – Repressed homosexual wrestler
As he does now, Duke consciously devoted a good portion of his high school day to groping any female stupid enough to be caught alone with him, whether they were gorgeous, ugly, or (in most cases) androgynous. When he wasn’t drawing crude pictures on teachers’ chalkboards, he liked to hit the weight room, where he secretly admired the aspiring body-builder Chris Redfield. He played Center in thrashball and routinely taunted Cole Train for refusing to join the wrestling squad, what Duke referred to as “the only man’s sport at school.” Cole refused to wrestle because he had no interest in grappling so intimately with a man, while Duke perpetuated their rivalry as a cover for his growing infatuation with the thrashball star. It wasn’t uncommon for the two of them to come to blows (which Duke loved), and every time Shepard broke the fight up he couldn’t help but think how delightful Duke might be someday if he just came out of the closet and settled down with a nice guy like Dominic Santiago.

Ezio Auditore da Firenze (Assassin’s Creed franchise) – Tortured rich boy
Ezio’s infallible charm, athletic prowess, and his family’s considerable wealth aligned to make him one of the popular kids, but in all honesty, he hated the burden of a respectable family name and the appearances that had to be kept up because of it. Because of this, Ezio became a bit of a trouble-maker and playboy, moving amongst the rich and famous like any other prep but displaying the reckless abandon of a kid from the wrong side of the tracks. He did pretty much anything he could to dishonor his family’s name and he did it with a smile, but like many rich parents, Ezio’s were too busy with their own lives to see their boy’s troubles as anything more than a phase.

Gordon Freeman (Half-Life franchise) – Science geek
If you were looking for somebody like yourself on this list, then Gordon’s probably your best bet. He spent most of his time in science and math clubs, debating the finer points of Star Wars with his peers when they weren’t constructing intricate experiments with no real value to the human race. He also had a desperate crush on fellow Science Club geek Alyx Vance that continues to this day. One time, when Duke casually made Alyx his groping victim of the day, Gordon began to fantasize of bashing the jock’s face in with a crow bar and even enacted the scene with some hand-crafted miniatures. But like his love for Alyx, Gordon has yet to act upon this impulse and likely never will. You can pick and choose which parts of that description apply to you, dear reader.

Guybrush Threepwood (The Secret of Monkey Island franchise) – That weird kid who wants to be a pirate
What, your school didn’t have one of these?

Jade (Beyond Good & Evil) – Nosy, aspiring journalist
You know that nosy girl who’s always asking how Cole Train is still on the team despite the fact that everybody knows he’s juicing? The school lets her run her little paper because it’d draw too much attention if they shut her down, but damn, is she a thorn in their side! Unfortunately, Jade’s questions weren’t merely aimed at the school, and as a result of her over-zealous pursuit of the whole truth, her only friends were her fellow school paper editors, and even they were occasionally irked at her lofty quality standards. Still, if you ever wanted some dirt on a fellow classmate, Jade was the girl to come to.

That seems about right.

Joanna Dark (Perfect Dark franchise) – Bad girl who everybody’s too afraid to date because of her crazy dad
Jo might be a professional alien-fighting agent now, but in her younger days, that craving for adventure paired with a sharp wit to make her an emasculating bad girl who manipulated gullible souls into providing her with the sense of danger she so adored, usually at the expense of the poor boy that didn’t really want to steal her dad’s car and drive to Lover’s Point, but felt obligated to because a beautiful girl was making a pouty face that nobody could resist. Sometimes she’d exaggerate the rumors of her father’s maniacal over-protection just because the look on the boys’ faces gave her more of a thrill. However, this also had the unfortunate side-effect of scaring off any long-term boyfriends, and with the girls labeling her a good for nothing tramp, her dad really did become her best friend until an alien named Elvis (finally, a bad boy to match her) came along.

John Marston (Red Dead Redemption) – Bully
If ever there were a mean son of a gun who you didn’t want to run into out of school it was John Marston. His gang was notorious, but his beatings were especially brutal, probably because hated what he was doing so much. Jade once tried to interview him concerning the rumor of his gentle nature toward horses and he spit some chew on her camera, which coincidentally shared the same name as his beloved horse.

Kirby (Kirby franchise) – Fat kid
It’s not easy being a fat kid in high school, but it’s especially hard on the fat kid. Unfortunately for Kirby, he was that one, monstrously large social outcast back in high school. Consequently, he ate more to cope with his sadness and his appetite has yet to subside. The one person who was friendly to him, Bill, tragically scared him away one day with a misunderstanding involving mushrooms.

Kratos (God of War franchise) – Trouble maker/rebel
Due to an abusive home, Kratos confused pleasure and pain at a very early age and never could shake the immense head-rush he’d get whenever inflicting pain on others. Despite countless suspensions and a couple expulsions, Kratos just couldn’t stop lashing out at others. He was a bit of a loner, but the crazy kind that nobody dared to cross. In the past he’d stirred up trouble with the local gang-leader, John Marston, but after seeing Kratos’ perverse torture of an innocent animal (any pain was pleasurable to this young man), Marston confronted his comrade. Unknown to most, this incident is were Marston received his signature facial scar.

Lara Croft (Tomb Raider franchise) – Too cool for everyone and she knows it
She was beautiful, athletic, intelligent, and interesting. In fact, she was so interesting that she had no interest in the affairs of mere high schoolers. This detachment inevitably made her an enigmatic symbol of cool in her schooling days, as the popular girls hated her for not wanting to be one of them (and being hated by them means you’re somebody), the popular guys loved her because the the popular girls hated her, the unpopular guys loved her because they knew the popular guys wanted her but couldn’t have her, and the unpopular girls loved her for not being an unsubstantial bitch when she could have been. All Lara cared about was that all of the college girls and guys liked her because she put out.

Mario (Mario franchise) – Stoner/Loser
How this man became the most recognizable character in all of video games will forever be a mystery to his high school brethren, who knew him as a chubby, unfashionable, future plumber who knew his future well enough to know that a few drug addictions wouldn’t alter the course of things. The thing was, unlike his brother Luigi, Mario didn’t care that everybody had written him off; he just kept jumping the barrels they threw his way and eventually made turtle koopa mutilation a cool thing.

It was a bad trip, man.

Master Chief (Halo franchise) – Mysterious Loner
Nobody really has too much to say about young Master Chief, because, well, nobody ever really hung out with him. They knew that he loved working on his car (an early sign of his unhealthy attachment to mechanical trappings), and they knew he was a dude you didn’t want to mess with. One time somebody heard him talking to himself in the bathroom, but nobody was crazy enough to say anything about it, not even Ezio Auditore da Firenze, the boy with the death wish.

Nathan Drake (Uncharted franchise) – Ladies man
Drake was never too concerned with the drama of others. He liked money and he liked women. Accordingly, he liked courting young girls with big pocket books. Despite his greedy motivations, he was nothing short of a gentleman and showed many a high school girl the romantic fantasy they could never get from the simple-minded jocks. The stoners (Mario in particular) were actually rather fond of him as well, as he knew all the best hiking spots and showed them how to climb like a champ. As he got older, he started to get more of a thrill from dangling at great heights and leaping great distances than he did from dangling outside girls’ windows and leaping into their beds, so his future as a treasure-hunter was sealed.

Revolver Ocelot (Metal Gear Solid series) – Theater geek/wannabe popular kid
As a hot-headed youth, Revolver Ocelot always had a flair for drama and fancied himself as a real charismatic fellow. Unfortunately, his unorthodox taste in clothing left him out of the popular circle. The next closest thing to being the center of attention as the hour and a half of stage time Drama Club could provide him with, so he begrudgingly accepted the limelight there and let his spirit fingers shine. In one role, he had to remove his shirt for roughly ten minutes, but it was long enough for Duke to make fun of his hardly noticeable chub (when asked why Duke was at the production, he simply said “I’m here to kick ass and chew bubble gum, and I’m all out of gum”). The stupid quip was quickly forgotten by the rest of the school, but it traumatized Ocelot to the point that he began working out with Chris Redfield in an effort to attain the hardest six-pack known to man.

Princess Peach (Mario franchise) – Slutty Cheer leader
Peach was never the brightest crayon in the box (somebody once had to explain this metaphor to her), but she knew that her sex appeal held undeniable power. Having her royal blood to constantly remind her of the false power her family held, she grew increasingly intoxicated with the power of lust. It started out with the sporty types and other rich students, but there were only so many of them to manipulate. What she got a real kick out of was teasing guys that were clearly out of her league, like poor Mario. The only person that knew this was her dear friend Daisy, who coyly reminded of it whenever Peach’s sexual appetite looked to infringe on Daisy’s own lustful pawns. Between the two of them, there were few students who hadn’t tasted the fruits of a royal tree.

Samus Aran (Metroid franchise) – Tomboy
On the opposite end of the spectrum was Samus, a voluptuous beauty who did everything in her power to hide her sex appeal. Despite her athletic importance to the school, many kids never quite accepted her, as her penchant for wearing men’s clothes provided ample firewood for the rumor that she and some other girls on the bowling team had men’s tastes in more than the fashion department. Samus never cared, though.

And there you have it, folks. 22 of your favorite video game characters like you’ve never seen them before. And no need to thank me for destroying all of their established pasts!

Samus is so non-conformist that she won't allow for logical picture placement.

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Quite amusing, I do say!

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Man, I really wish Wedding Crashers wasn’t on right now, because it’s making it very difficult to write this. But anyways, tomorrow is the annual celebration of over-priced chocolates, cards that a heartless corporation wrote for you, and misguided sexual adventures–pretty much everything that makes true love. But if you’re like me and Valentine’s Day is just another miserable day on the calendar, then you’ll probably just spend tomorrow with what you love most–video games. So in the spirit of being single on Valentine’s Day and having to relate it to video games because that’s our M.O. here at InsaneBear, I present to you a list of the top 10 most eligible bachelors and bachelorettes in the world of video games.

Admiral David Anderson (Mass Effect franchise) – Tall, dark, and handsome, David Anderson’s dashing good looks are rivaled only by his soothingly reassuring voice. A lifetime of distinguished service in the military has helped to build a confident and determined leader of men who has the common touch as well. Quite simply, he’s a good man with a big heart who will always do what he thinks is right. And if his massive pension weren’t enticing enough, he now wields considerable galactic power as the Human representative on the Council (at least he does in my game). He might not be the sexiest pick, but he sounds like a catch for all those inter-galactic ladies out there who are looking to settle down.

Samus Aran (Metroid franchise) – I know, I know, I wrote a feature before saying that I wouldn’t want to date her, but that’s only because half the world thinks she’s a guy. When it comes to love, what the rest of the world thinks shouldn’t matter. Samus is a strong woman with an insatiable drive for adventure. When’s she’s not doing whatever she does in her games, she’d likely be taking you to explore natural wonders or to experience the rush of white-water rafting (or something like that). Not to mention, that sense of exploration and adventure likely extends to other parts of her love-life…did I mention she’s a total fox?

Ezio Auditore da Firenze (Assassin’s Creed franchise) – A playboy if there ever was one, Ezio probably won’t be finishing last. But while he might not be in it for the long haul, this deliciously proportioned man is the type of lover who could live on in some lucky lady’s memories for a lifetime. He’s rich, suave, athletic, and extremely well connected. You want a romantic dinner for two with the best view in all of Italy? Ezio can get that for you. Just make sure your dad doesn’t scare him off or you’ll probably never see him again.

Lara Croft (Tomb Raider franchise) – Yeah, yeah, the girl known for her capital knockers. She couldn’t possibly have any personality of worth, right? Well, if you took the time to get to know her, you might find that that hot body is just icing on the cake. Ms. Croft actually loves the outdoors and would probably be happier with a good hike than an expensive dinner. She also has a real passion for history and that seems like a fairly unique thing for a woman in my experience. Plus, she knows how to handle a gun. Now that’s hot!

Sgt. Avery Johnson (Halo franchise) – He knows what the ladies like.

Commander Miranda Keyes (Halo franchise) – A warrior woman might not be what every guy’s looking for, but for those who aren’t intimidated by a female with power, Miranda’s bravery, loyalty, and daring might be just what turns you on. She’s not afraid to get hands on with a problem (hey, maybe if you break enough dishes she’ll just take over the duties completely!) and she always does the job right (unlike so many slackers these days who resort to the microwave). Sure, she might be a little brash and let her emotions take over sometimes, but that passion is what keeps your fire going. She’s a bit of a Daddy’s girl, though, so you’ll always have to worry about living up to his standard (and you thought the sick bastard would stop haunting you when he had a hole punched through his head and died in a fiery inferno!).

Mario (Super Mario Bros. franchise) – Let’s get this out of the way right now…not the best looking guy. But some girls like a big burly bear to grab onto, and you certainly can’t fault the poor sap’s heart. Time after time, he’ll come to your rescue, always eager to satisfy. Then there’s the fact that he’s a plumber and all, so anything around the house that needs fixing is pretty much covered. And his (possibly alarming) consumption of mushrooms lets you know that he’s willing to put work behind him on the weekends for the sake of a good time, as well as the fact that he’s always open to trying new things. Once he realizes that the girl he’s been after for so long is royalty, and by default restricted to a royal circle of suitors, his shattered heart should be easy to scoop up and made to be yours. Just make sure to lay down some ground rules on how often his creepy brother can come over.

Commander [Insert Female Name] Shepard (Mass Effect franchise) – FemShep is where the party’s at. Where ever she goes, a diverse crowd of interesting folks always follows, and plenty of them are pretty easy, so you guys will always have the best parties on the block. And given FemShep’s open and experimental sexual past, there’s no telling what kind of shenanigans could go down with you, her, and some of her more attractive friends. But beyond that aspect of your relationship, she’s also a convicted woman who gets what she wants. She’s a bit of an action-junkie and a deeply stimulating conversationalist too. She’s sympathetic to others’ problems and wants to make the world a better place, which can be more fun than it sounds with her crew of friends around. There is a slight issue of her being rebuilt as a cyborg, though…

Alyx Vance (Half-Life franchise) – If you’re looking for a virtual “real woman,” then Alyx is probably your best bet. She might not have the body to disorient your thoughts, but she has the cuteness to steal your heart. She’s a go-getter who’s smart, funny, and always friendly, but who would never allow herself to be talked down to. She loves animals (well, we can infer as much from her attachment to a mechanical dog) too. But most importantly, she really appreciates and fights for the people she cares about. You better move in while you can–I hear the sixth year is the charm for Gordan.

Zevran (Dragon Age franchise) – So maybe he’s a little selfish and has an unhealthy fascination with treasure (and leather, interestingly enough), but girls like a project to fix, right? What really matters is that Zevran has a sense of humor that’s hard to come by in the world of video games. And that’s really the hardest thing to find–a person who can always make you laugh, no matter how down you’re feeling. And it’s not like he’s actively plotting against you. He’s actually a pretty friendly and forgiving guy who rarely lets quibbles become personal. You’ll just have to make sure to keep him more interested in you than any other opportunities that might arise. But the best part? You don’t even have to take his last name, because he doesn’t have one!

So there you have it. Now you may be thinking how much this list sucks, and I remind you that my background in Japanese games isn’t that deep, so we’re limiting things to the screwed up world of Western video game characters. Then again, the Japanese are pretty screwed up as well…Anyways, what you should be wondering is why I just wasted your time with a list of singles that you are physically incapable of mingling with…Now you know what it’s like to be me. Muwhahahahahaha!

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“I would have laughed myself into the center of the Earth if Captain Falcon had punched Daisy rather than being hit with the blue shell.” Thank you random Kotaku commenter. And thank you, “Dr. Coolsex,” for bringing us such an awesome video despite the creepy choice of name. Still, I think this would probably be ten times more hilarious were it set in the Metal Gear universe. Oh, well.

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Oh, Mario!

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Duke Nukem – Bruce Campbell might have the perfect personality to play the Duke, and Ron Pearlman has got a nearly identical mug shot, but nobody brings the entire package together quite like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Dye his hair blonde and the Governator is the spitting image of Mr. Nukem. Plus he likes to blow stuff up and smoke cigars.

Gordon Freeman – Most people like to think Hugh Laurie or Ed Norton make the perfect Gordon Freeman, but they’d be wrong. And all those silly geese who propose Mythbusters‘ Adam Savage are kidding themselves. When we realistically look at the pace at which Gordon takes a stroll–he has been escaping the outer edges of City 17 for three years now–his fall into obesity is inevitable. That’s why Drew Carey is the only logical choice. Slap a goatee on the fat man and he’s good to go.

Guybrush Threepwood – This one was really quite hard to decide, and I desperately wanted to pick Neil Patrick Harris here, but this Josh Meyers guy’s retarded smile is just perfect for the role. Give him some blonde hair and a pirate shirt, and he’ll be saying, “Hi! My name’s Guybrush Threepwood…” before you know it. Zach Braff and Owen Wilson were good candidates here as well.

Kratos – The bad ass anti-hero of the God of War series has a very particular look and persona that could be hard to bring to the silver screen. Vin Diesel immediately pops to mind as one of the few actors man enough to take on the role, but surprisingly, there’s a better choice out there–Molaram from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

Lara Croft – “She’s already had a movie,” you say? Well I’m here to tell you that she’s had more than one movie, and that sometimes the lesser known actress is the better choice.

Marcus Fenix – Considering there’s actually a Gears of War movie in the works, this one has a little relevance. While most people seem to think Marcus Fenix is a professional wrestler in his spare time, and therefore should be played by Batista or The Rock, I tend to follow the principle that films need actual actors. I suggest Prison Break‘s Dominic Purcell. Sorry guys, nothing funny there…well, I guess both characters were wrongfully imprisoned at one point. That’s funny, right?

Nathan Drake – I’m going to break expectations here and not select Nathan Fillion, although his mannerisms make him a terrific candidate. Really, it should be him, or the guy who actually voice acts Drake, Nolan North, but I want to think outside of the box. So take in that tasty shot of David Boreanaz. Colin Farrell was also in the running.

Niko Bellic – You could probably pick any homeless guy off the streets and have it look like Grand Theft Auto IV‘s sleazy protagonist, but this picture is just too priceless to pass up.

Sam Fisher – First, go watch Michael Clayton to get a sense of what George Clooney can bring to the role of an assassin. Then look at the two. Sam Fisher is George Clooney.

SNAKE! – There is perhaps no better game to adapt to film than the Metal Gear Solid saga, especially considering how cinematic it is and its roots in Escape from New York. It’s not a matter of if this movie is going to happen, it’s a matter of when. So fans are constantly stressing over who should play the series’ iconic hero. David Hayter, Kurt Russell, Hugh Jackman, Josh Holloway, they’re all great choices. But this guy…oh, dear God!

This guy.

Your Fable II Character – Lastly, as a little bonus, I think I know the perfect guy to play your Fable II hero. You know it, I know it, the whole world knows it–your character was a womanizing pig who charged way too much rent from his tenants so he could spend it on booze and pies. You might have even gotten a sex change too.

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Being lonely and unwanted by the ladies sort of comes with the territory of being a gamer. So inevitably, we’ve all turned to the fantastical land of video games for hope. “If only I could find a girl like Jill Valentine. She’d appreciate me…appreciate me big time!” But would we really want to be going steady with gaming’s fairer sex? This list sort of makes being alone seem not half bad. Then again, I could have just listed off ten Fable II hookers and it would have been the greatest thing in the world. I mean, you marry those broads, and all they do is put out, take care of your neglected offspring, and shower you with gifts. And if you ever upset them, make-up sex is only a “Hat, Headband, Mustache” expression away!

Bridgette Tenenbaum (BioShock) – Let’s get past her looks and general strangeness and just assume you’re into eccentric girls. So you go out on a date with her. She’s smart, ambitious, and has some really interesting stories. So you guys start getting serious. But the more time you spend with her, the more you realize she’s just some granola-girl broken record. It’s always, “Save the kids, this” or “We’re part of the problem, that”. And if you ever manage to get her off that save-the-world crap, she just drones on about how smart she was as a child and how grand all those Nazi medical experiments were. But hell, let’s say you manage to put up with all of that because she’s got access to some really cool black-market stuff. Can you imagine if you ever had kids with her? My God! Think of the children, damn it! What torturous experiments would they be subjected to!?!

The Princess (Braid) – The Princess is one of the worst types of women, but one that you simply can’t resist. She’s the type of beautiful girl who flirts with you enough to boost your shattered ego into thinking you actually have a shot with her, when in actuality, she’s just working you to make her knight in shining armor jealous. All those lustful glances and unspoken words will have you obsessing over her in stalker-like proportions until that heart-wrenching day you see her making out with the other guy in the corner. Oh, and then there’s that whole thing where she’s actually an atomic bomb or something.

Because pictures of her don't exist...or maybe they're just top secret.

Aeris Gainsborough (Final Fantasy VII) – Because she’ll make you cry like a little girl. And you won’t care, you’ll just want her back.

Cortana (Halo series) – Okay, so the whole not really being a person thing sort of throws physical contact out of the equation, but that’s not everything in a relationship. Upon meeting Cortana, you’ll likely find that she has a good sense of humor a certain tom-boyishness that makes her fun to be around. But things will probably start going down hill on about the third date, when you’re wondering how prude could this girl possibly be, and she’s in your head, listening to your every damning thought. And when her data corruption psychological issues start showing, you’ll wish you never got on her bad side.

Zoey (Left 4 Dead) – Zoey will likely appeal to you at first as that pretty girl whose mystery keeps you coming back to find out more. And she’ll be a lot of fun for a while too, what with all the exciting situations she always ends up in. But eventually you’ll start to grow a little weary of her apparent zombie-magnetism and become a little more concerned with your life than her hot and heavy life-style. And if that weren’t enough, you can never seem to be alone with her for more than 30 seconds before those strange guys she always hangs out with show up. But the worst part will be the paranoia when you hear rumors about what kind of movies she’s starred in in the past (just Google Left 4 Head if you’re not putting this together).

Princess Peach (Any Mario game ever) – Once you’re stuck in this hellish relationship, you’ll wonder why you ever got in it. For starters, her family is ridiculously rich, so you’ll absolutely never be good enough for her in her father’s eyes. And considering that her family is royalty, the spotlight’s always going to be on them. Pairing that with her father’s hatred for you, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that every time Little Miss Perfect gets in trouble, enough strings will be pulled that you’re taking the rap for it. And believe you me, she’ll be getting in plenty of trouble. The girl must have some sort of sick fetish for getting kidnapped and bringing about terrorist insurrections. So you’ll be doing plenty of rescuing as well. And after you lay your ass on the line to save her for the millionth time, she won’t even give you any lovin’ because of her proper up-bringing. That or she’ll be uber kinky, I’ve seen it go both ways with royalty. Either way, you’ll just long to run away to another kingdom, but you won’t be able to because her very powerful family would have such a lowly street urchin murdered for braking their precious Peach’s heart.

Naomi Hunter (Metal Gear Solid series) – Easy on the eyes and always eager to assist, Naomi will seem like a hole-in-one at first. But just when things are going well she’ll stab you in the back and reveal that she was only dating you as an elaborate revenge ploy because you beat her brother up on the elementary school playground. Plus she’s always jabbering about tiny robots in our bloodstreams and trying to inject you with things. And then she’ll probably try to get with your best friend and play all of you and you won’t know if she loves you or hates you and she’ll eventually off herself to try and convince everybody that she was good all along or some such non-sense. Chick’s got some issues.

Samus Aran (Metroid series) – Samus probably comes off as a pretty cool lady at first. She’s a strong-willed and independent woman, but she always puts others before herself. She knows lots of cool stuff and travels to a bunch of interesting places, plus her awesome rolling abilities ensure that you’ll always bowl a perfect game with her on your side. All of that rolling could also make for some interesting exploits in the bedroom. So what’s not to like with this beautiful, charismatic, and successful vixen? Oh yeah, half the world thinks she’s a guy…

Ms. Pac-Man (Ms. Pac-Man) – I think that wide-open mouth says it all.

You would not believe some of the images that turned up in Google for this.

Lara Croft (Tomb Raider series) – “Lara Croft on a list of video game characters you wouldn’t want to date!?! Have you gone mad?” Well, no. Just think about it for a minute. I mean, sure, she’s smoking hot and rich and is pretty much the female version of Indiana Jones, but I have a feeling things just wouldn’t be as great as they sound on paper. For starters, she’s gone on business so much that you’ll barely have any time together. Just think of all the emotional stress you’ll have from worrying about her safety nine months out of the year. And when she does come back you probably won’t do anything more than have sex and listen to her emasculating stories. But could you really enjoy that knowing how hot she is? She’s bound to catch a few fish on all of her fancy expeditions with that body, and one of them might just be some burly tomb explorer with a chin more chiseled than yours and a butt to die for. The paranoia and jealousy would kill the relationship. She is just too gorgeous to spend that much time away from you, especially since her moral code doesn’t have any qualms with stealing from the dead.

Female Characters (Any fighting game ever) – Because women who can kick my ass scare me.

So there you have it. Video game girls really aren’t that great after all. But if you’re still holding out hope, I hear that Alyx Vance is getting sick of waiting for Gordon Freeman.

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