Being lonely and unwanted by the ladies sort of comes with the territory of being a gamer. So inevitably, we’ve all turned to the fantastical land of video games for hope. “If only I could find a girl like Jill Valentine. She’d appreciate me…appreciate me big time!” But would we really want to be going steady with gaming’s fairer sex? This list sort of makes being alone seem not half bad. Then again, I could have just listed off ten Fable II hookers and it would have been the greatest thing in the world. I mean, you marry those broads, and all they do is put out, take care of your neglected offspring, and shower you with gifts. And if you ever upset them, make-up sex is only a “Hat, Headband, Mustache” expression away!

Bridgette Tenenbaum (BioShock) – Let’s get past her looks and general strangeness and just assume you’re into eccentric girls. So you go out on a date with her. She’s smart, ambitious, and has some really interesting stories. So you guys start getting serious. But the more time you spend with her, the more you realize she’s just some granola-girl broken record. It’s always, “Save the kids, this” or “We’re part of the problem, that”. And if you ever manage to get her off that save-the-world crap, she just drones on about how smart she was as a child and how grand all those Nazi medical experiments were. But hell, let’s say you manage to put up with all of that because she’s got access to some really cool black-market stuff. Can you imagine if you ever had kids with her? My God! Think of the children, damn it! What torturous experiments would they be subjected to!?!

The Princess (Braid) – The Princess is one of the worst types of women, but one that you simply can’t resist. She’s the type of beautiful girl who flirts with you enough to boost your shattered ego into thinking you actually have a shot with her, when in actuality, she’s just working you to make her knight in shining armor jealous. All those lustful glances and unspoken words will have you obsessing over her in stalker-like proportions until that heart-wrenching day you see her making out with the other guy in the corner. Oh, and then there’s that whole thing where she’s actually an atomic bomb or something.

Because pictures of her don't exist...or maybe they're just top secret.

Aeris Gainsborough (Final Fantasy VII) – Because she’ll make you cry like a little girl. And you won’t care, you’ll just want her back.

Cortana (Halo series) – Okay, so the whole not really being a person thing sort of throws physical contact out of the equation, but that’s not everything in a relationship. Upon meeting Cortana, you’ll likely find that she has a good sense of humor a certain tom-boyishness that makes her fun to be around. But things will probably start going down hill on about the third date, when you’re wondering how prude could this girl possibly be, and she’s in your head, listening to your every damning thought. And when her data corruption psychological issues start showing, you’ll wish you never got on her bad side.

Zoey (Left 4 Dead) – Zoey will likely appeal to you at first as that pretty girl whose mystery keeps you coming back to find out more. And she’ll be a lot of fun for a while too, what with all the exciting situations she always ends up in. But eventually you’ll start to grow a little weary of her apparent zombie-magnetism and become a little more concerned with your life than her hot and heavy life-style. And if that weren’t enough, you can never seem to be alone with her for more than 30 seconds before those strange guys she always hangs out with show up. But the worst part will be the paranoia when you hear rumors about what kind of movies she’s starred in in the past (just Google Left 4 Head if you’re not putting this together).

Princess Peach (Any Mario game ever) – Once you’re stuck in this hellish relationship, you’ll wonder why you ever got in it. For starters, her family is ridiculously rich, so you’ll absolutely never be good enough for her in her father’s eyes. And considering that her family is royalty, the spotlight’s always going to be on them. Pairing that with her father’s hatred for you, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that every time Little Miss Perfect gets in trouble, enough strings will be pulled that you’re taking the rap for it. And believe you me, she’ll be getting in plenty of trouble. The girl must have some sort of sick fetish for getting kidnapped and bringing about terrorist insurrections. So you’ll be doing plenty of rescuing as well. And after you lay your ass on the line to save her for the millionth time, she won’t even give you any lovin’ because of her proper up-bringing. That or she’ll be uber kinky, I’ve seen it go both ways with royalty. Either way, you’ll just long to run away to another kingdom, but you won’t be able to because her very powerful family would have such a lowly street urchin murdered for braking their precious Peach’s heart.

Naomi Hunter (Metal Gear Solid series) – Easy on the eyes and always eager to assist, Naomi will seem like a hole-in-one at first. But just when things are going well she’ll stab you in the back and reveal that she was only dating you as an elaborate revenge ploy because you beat her brother up on the elementary school playground. Plus she’s always jabbering about tiny robots in our bloodstreams and trying to inject you with things. And then she’ll probably try to get with your best friend and play all of you and you won’t know if she loves you or hates you and she’ll eventually off herself to try and convince everybody that she was good all along or some such non-sense. Chick’s got some issues.

Samus Aran (Metroid series) – Samus probably comes off as a pretty cool lady at first. She’s a strong-willed and independent woman, but she always puts others before herself. She knows lots of cool stuff and travels to a bunch of interesting places, plus her awesome rolling abilities ensure that you’ll always bowl a perfect game with her on your side. All of that rolling could also make for some interesting exploits in the bedroom. So what’s not to like with this beautiful, charismatic, and successful vixen? Oh yeah, half the world thinks she’s a guy…

Ms. Pac-Man (Ms. Pac-Man) – I think that wide-open mouth says it all.

You would not believe some of the images that turned up in Google for this.

Lara Croft (Tomb Raider series) – “Lara Croft on a list of video game characters you wouldn’t want to date!?! Have you gone mad?” Well, no. Just think about it for a minute. I mean, sure, she’s smoking hot and rich and is pretty much the female version of Indiana Jones, but I have a feeling things just wouldn’t be as great as they sound on paper. For starters, she’s gone on business so much that you’ll barely have any time together. Just think of all the emotional stress you’ll have from worrying about her safety nine months out of the year. And when she does come back you probably won’t do anything more than have sex and listen to her emasculating stories. But could you really enjoy that knowing how hot she is? She’s bound to catch a few fish on all of her fancy expeditions with that body, and one of them might just be some burly tomb explorer with a chin more chiseled than yours and a butt to die for. The paranoia and jealousy would kill the relationship. She is just too gorgeous to spend that much time away from you, especially since her moral code doesn’t have any qualms with stealing from the dead.

Female Characters (Any fighting game ever) – Because women who can kick my ass scare me.

So there you have it. Video game girls really aren’t that great after all. But if you’re still holding out hope, I hear that Alyx Vance is getting sick of waiting for Gordon Freeman.

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I still don’t see what looks so good about this game, but to each his own I guess. And I think it’s coming out in the next few weeks. So, yay for coming releases?

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5. Pokemon

Pokemon always brings me back to a more innocent time. A time when I would bully, cheat, steal, and lie my way to more Pokemon cards. However, this article’s not about the cards. I suppose it may be said that Pokemon was one of the first RPGs that I played, shortly followed by FFVIII, so it has a special place in my childhood and my roots as a gamer. Pokemon Red and Blue were released in North America in 1998. The game’s simple, yet addictive gameplay has allowed the series to grow into a full fledged franchise with a collectible card game, an animated television show, movies, shirts, toys, etc. It defined, and continues to define, the childhood of many children. According to Nintendo, the franchise has sold more than 175 million units as of April 23, 2008. That’s a lot of people who “gotta catch ‘em all.”

4. Metroid

When Metroid was first released in Northa America in 1987 for the NES, it was a unique action adventure game that emphasized exploration as well as combat. It combined elements from other Nintendo games to form a unique style of gameplay. It took the platforming of Super Mario Bros. and the adventuring of The Legend of Zelda, and then added shooter elements and a darker tone. Metroid was one of the first games to allow the player to scroll the screen to the left instead of being restricted to rightways exploration. This introduced the concept of returning to areas that you had already visited in order to find secret items, also known as backtracking, one of the most overly used game concepts ever, but since Metroid did it first it was revolutionary instead of annoying. Metroid is also known for being one of the first games to include multiple endings. It  contained five endings depending on how fast you completed the game. The best times were rewarded with a glimpse of Samus without her Power Suit, revealing that she was, indeed, a female. Thus, Metroid is considered to be one of the first games to ever have a female protagonist. The original game spawned many sequels, all of which were 2D sidescrolling shooters. But in 2002, Metroid made a successful leap to 3D (Sonic take note) with the release of Metroid Prime on the Gamecube. Metroid Prime reinvented the series, but still kept many of the same gameplay elements. The exploration and the power up collecting were all still there, yet it moved to a first person perspective and introduced full 3D with beautiful graphics, making it one of the most successful reinventions of a series.

3. Final Fantasy

Final Fantasy was originally created as a last ditch effort by Square to find success in the game industry. The game was Square’s final attempt, hence the title. Then there’s the fact that each game has its own independent story. Regardless of the title though, this game is the RPG franchise. If you haven’t played a Final Fantasy game, then you have yet to experience the genre. The original Final Fantasy for the NES introduced many of the elements that would come to define a console RPG. It also helped to mainstream the genre, and, of course, it saved an entire company. Wallowing in its success, Final Fantasy has also evolved into an entire franchise with multiple spin-offs into various genres, movies, merchandise, etc. Final Fantasy is also notable for having one of the most confusing numbering systems, as some games were only released in Japan, and for numbering continuity, later games released in the United States were given earlier numbers. Instead of attempting to explain it, I’ll just link to this Wikipedia article.

2. The Legend of Zelda

I bet you guessed what the last two entries would be when you first read the title of the article, didn’t you? You perceptive reader, you. So The Legend of Zelda basically defined what an action adventure game should be like. The first game in the series was inspired by creator Shigeru Miyamoto’s own explorations as a child. He often found himself exploring forests, caves, and rural villages. All of which is represented in some form in the Zelda games. And that is exactly what Miyamoto intended with the game. He wanted the player to be able to share in the wonderful experiences he had as a child. With its open-world, non-linear gameplay, there really was nothing else that compared to The Legend of Zelda. In fact, since it was so open-ended and had such a huge world, it was one of the first games to implement a save system using battery-backed memory. Every Zelda game (except those CD-i games, which we’ll just completely forget about as they weren’t even developed by Nintendo) has received critical acclaim. After many successful 2D, isometric perspective games, The Legend of Zelda was brought into 3D with Ocarina of Time. Sega should really take note of the things Nintendo does with its franchises, as Ocarina of Time, just like Metroid Prime (and Mario 64 as well), successfully brought Zelda into full 3D. The game was reinvented, but it did not lose the things that made it a Zelda game. Many would even argue that it is the best game in the entire series. Like Final Fantasy, Zelda also has a somewhat notorious element to it: its timeline. There are only a couple of times throughout the entire franchise where games released chronologically one after the other actually follow that same principle within the game. Once again, instead of trying to explain it, here’s a gametrailers video that does a much better job. It is worth noting though that there are many different theories about the Zelda timeline out there.

1. Mario

Remember how I said that Final Fantasy helped to save an entire company? Well, Mario did something like that, except that he helped to save the entire industry. Super Mario Bros. was the title that shipped with every NES. The NES being the console that saved the industry. There’s really not much else I can say here that you don’t already know. Mario’s bigger than Mickey Mouse. He’s had a million spin-offs; his games created/reinvented/revolutionized the platforming genre; Shigeru Miyamoto created him; he was originally known as Jumpman in Donkey Kong. He had a successful jump to 3D (seriously, Sega, take notes), etc., etc. To sum up: it’s mario, what else do you need?

So, there you have it. Disagree? I’m sure you do. Sound off in the comments, or go start your own site and write your own list.

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