Duke Nukem – Bruce Campbell might have the perfect personality to play the Duke, and Ron Pearlman has got a nearly identical mug shot, but nobody brings the entire package together quite like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Dye his hair blonde and the Governator is the spitting image of Mr. Nukem. Plus he likes to blow stuff up and smoke cigars.

Gordon Freeman – Most people like to think Hugh Laurie or Ed Norton make the perfect Gordon Freeman, but they’d be wrong. And all those silly geese who propose Mythbusters‘ Adam Savage are kidding themselves. When we realistically look at the pace at which Gordon takes a stroll–he has been escaping the outer edges of City 17 for three years now–his fall into obesity is inevitable. That’s why Drew Carey is the only logical choice. Slap a goatee on the fat man and he’s good to go.

Guybrush Threepwood – This one was really quite hard to decide, and I desperately wanted to pick Neil Patrick Harris here, but this Josh Meyers guy’s retarded smile is just perfect for the role. Give him some blonde hair and a pirate shirt, and he’ll be saying, “Hi! My name’s Guybrush Threepwood…” before you know it. Zach Braff and Owen Wilson were good candidates here as well.

Kratos – The bad ass anti-hero of the God of War series has a very particular look and persona that could be hard to bring to the silver screen. Vin Diesel immediately pops to mind as one of the few actors man enough to take on the role, but surprisingly, there’s a better choice out there–Molaram from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

Lara Croft – “She’s already had a movie,” you say? Well I’m here to tell you that she’s had more than one movie, and that sometimes the lesser known actress is the better choice.

Marcus Fenix – Considering there’s actually a Gears of War movie in the works, this one has a little relevance. While most people seem to think Marcus Fenix is a professional wrestler in his spare time, and therefore should be played by Batista or The Rock, I tend to follow the principle that films need actual actors. I suggest Prison Break‘s Dominic Purcell. Sorry guys, nothing funny there…well, I guess both characters were wrongfully imprisoned at one point. That’s funny, right?

Nathan Drake – I’m going to break expectations here and not select Nathan Fillion, although his mannerisms make him a terrific candidate. Really, it should be him, or the guy who actually voice acts Drake, Nolan North, but I want to think outside of the box. So take in that tasty shot of David Boreanaz. Colin Farrell was also in the running.

Niko Bellic – You could probably pick any homeless guy off the streets and have it look like Grand Theft Auto IV‘s sleazy protagonist, but this picture is just too priceless to pass up.

Sam Fisher – First, go watch Michael Clayton to get a sense of what George Clooney can bring to the role of an assassin. Then look at the two. Sam Fisher is George Clooney.

SNAKE! – There is perhaps no better game to adapt to film than the Metal Gear Solid saga, especially considering how cinematic it is and its roots in Escape from New York. It’s not a matter of if this movie is going to happen, it’s a matter of when. So fans are constantly stressing over who should play the series’ iconic hero. David Hayter, Kurt Russell, Hugh Jackman, Josh Holloway, they’re all great choices. But this guy…oh, dear God!

This guy.

Your Fable II Character – Lastly, as a little bonus, I think I know the perfect guy to play your Fable II hero. You know it, I know it, the whole world knows it–your character was a womanizing pig who charged way too much rent from his tenants so he could spend it on booze and pies. You might have even gotten a sex change too.

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