Being lonely and unwanted by the ladies sort of comes with the territory of being a gamer. So inevitably, we’ve all turned to the fantastical land of video games for hope. “If only I could find a girl like Jill Valentine. She’d appreciate me…appreciate me big time!” But would we really want to be going steady with gaming’s fairer sex? This list sort of makes being alone seem not half bad. Then again, I could have just listed off ten Fable II hookers and it would have been the greatest thing in the world. I mean, you marry those broads, and all they do is put out, take care of your neglected offspring, and shower you with gifts. And if you ever upset them, make-up sex is only a “Hat, Headband, Mustache” expression away!

Bridgette Tenenbaum (BioShock) – Let’s get past her looks and general strangeness and just assume you’re into eccentric girls. So you go out on a date with her. She’s smart, ambitious, and has some really interesting stories. So you guys start getting serious. But the more time you spend with her, the more you realize she’s just some granola-girl broken record. It’s always, “Save the kids, this” or “We’re part of the problem, that”. And if you ever manage to get her off that save-the-world crap, she just drones on about how smart she was as a child and how grand all those Nazi medical experiments were. But hell, let’s say you manage to put up with all of that because she’s got access to some really cool black-market stuff. Can you imagine if you ever had kids with her? My God! Think of the children, damn it! What torturous experiments would they be subjected to!?!

The Princess (Braid) – The Princess is one of the worst types of women, but one that you simply can’t resist. She’s the type of beautiful girl who flirts with you enough to boost your shattered ego into thinking you actually have a shot with her, when in actuality, she’s just working you to make her knight in shining armor jealous. All those lustful glances and unspoken words will have you obsessing over her in stalker-like proportions until that heart-wrenching day you see her making out with the other guy in the corner. Oh, and then there’s that whole thing where she’s actually an atomic bomb or something.

Because pictures of her don't exist...or maybe they're just top secret.

Aeris Gainsborough (Final Fantasy VII) – Because she’ll make you cry like a little girl. And you won’t care, you’ll just want her back.

Cortana (Halo series) – Okay, so the whole not really being a person thing sort of throws physical contact out of the equation, but that’s not everything in a relationship. Upon meeting Cortana, you’ll likely find that she has a good sense of humor a certain tom-boyishness that makes her fun to be around. But things will probably start going down hill on about the third date, when you’re wondering how prude could this girl possibly be, and she’s in your head, listening to your every damning thought. And when her data corruption psychological issues start showing, you’ll wish you never got on her bad side.

Zoey (Left 4 Dead) – Zoey will likely appeal to you at first as that pretty girl whose mystery keeps you coming back to find out more. And she’ll be a lot of fun for a while too, what with all the exciting situations she always ends up in. But eventually you’ll start to grow a little weary of her apparent zombie-magnetism and become a little more concerned with your life than her hot and heavy life-style. And if that weren’t enough, you can never seem to be alone with her for more than 30 seconds before those strange guys she always hangs out with show up. But the worst part will be the paranoia when you hear rumors about what kind of movies she’s starred in in the past (just Google Left 4 Head if you’re not putting this together).

Princess Peach (Any Mario game ever) – Once you’re stuck in this hellish relationship, you’ll wonder why you ever got in it. For starters, her family is ridiculously rich, so you’ll absolutely never be good enough for her in her father’s eyes. And considering that her family is royalty, the spotlight’s always going to be on them. Pairing that with her father’s hatred for you, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that every time Little Miss Perfect gets in trouble, enough strings will be pulled that you’re taking the rap for it. And believe you me, she’ll be getting in plenty of trouble. The girl must have some sort of sick fetish for getting kidnapped and bringing about terrorist insurrections. So you’ll be doing plenty of rescuing as well. And after you lay your ass on the line to save her for the millionth time, she won’t even give you any lovin’ because of her proper up-bringing. That or she’ll be uber kinky, I’ve seen it go both ways with royalty. Either way, you’ll just long to run away to another kingdom, but you won’t be able to because her very powerful family would have such a lowly street urchin murdered for braking their precious Peach’s heart.

Naomi Hunter (Metal Gear Solid series) – Easy on the eyes and always eager to assist, Naomi will seem like a hole-in-one at first. But just when things are going well she’ll stab you in the back and reveal that she was only dating you as an elaborate revenge ploy because you beat her brother up on the elementary school playground. Plus she’s always jabbering about tiny robots in our bloodstreams and trying to inject you with things. And then she’ll probably try to get with your best friend and play all of you and you won’t know if she loves you or hates you and she’ll eventually off herself to try and convince everybody that she was good all along or some such non-sense. Chick’s got some issues.

Samus Aran (Metroid series) – Samus probably comes off as a pretty cool lady at first. She’s a strong-willed and independent woman, but she always puts others before herself. She knows lots of cool stuff and travels to a bunch of interesting places, plus her awesome rolling abilities ensure that you’ll always bowl a perfect game with her on your side. All of that rolling could also make for some interesting exploits in the bedroom. So what’s not to like with this beautiful, charismatic, and successful vixen? Oh yeah, half the world thinks she’s a guy…

Ms. Pac-Man (Ms. Pac-Man) – I think that wide-open mouth says it all.

You would not believe some of the images that turned up in Google for this.

Lara Croft (Tomb Raider series) – “Lara Croft on a list of video game characters you wouldn’t want to date!?! Have you gone mad?” Well, no. Just think about it for a minute. I mean, sure, she’s smoking hot and rich and is pretty much the female version of Indiana Jones, but I have a feeling things just wouldn’t be as great as they sound on paper. For starters, she’s gone on business so much that you’ll barely have any time together. Just think of all the emotional stress you’ll have from worrying about her safety nine months out of the year. And when she does come back you probably won’t do anything more than have sex and listen to her emasculating stories. But could you really enjoy that knowing how hot she is? She’s bound to catch a few fish on all of her fancy expeditions with that body, and one of them might just be some burly tomb explorer with a chin more chiseled than yours and a butt to die for. The paranoia and jealousy would kill the relationship. She is just too gorgeous to spend that much time away from you, especially since her moral code doesn’t have any qualms with stealing from the dead.

Female Characters (Any fighting game ever) – Because women who can kick my ass scare me.

So there you have it. Video game girls really aren’t that great after all. But if you’re still holding out hope, I hear that Alyx Vance is getting sick of waiting for Gordon Freeman.

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